Detours
by pawsandviolins
Summary: Gail and Holly are on a rocky road, trying to figure out what they can and want to be to each other.
1. Chapter 1

„Peck! Can you take this to the lab for me?" Swarek seemed to be in a rush, dangling the little plastic evidence bag in front of Gail's face impatiently.

_The lab? _She knew what that meant. Holly. She seemed to have turned into everyone's favorite forensics chick here at 15th, especially when it came to big, important cases. They knew she was quick, efficient, but always thorough. She had this crazy intuition about things, noticing things that her colleagues would only pick up on once they had exhausted all other options and had no choice but to look for the most unlikely things. She also knew how to talk to the detectives. She had this gift of dumbing down the forensic jibber-jabber just enough for the detectives to understand what she was saying, but never so much so that they would feel belittled. She was actually one of the few science geniuses that respected the detectives' work. And she was a hell of an asset in court. Her work was clean and reliable, there was no chance for the attorneys to discredit her, and the jury loved her. Why wouldn't they? She was a young, attractive female, intelligent, charming, great with words and always kept a cool on the stand.

_The lab. Holly. Hell no!_

"What about the courier?" Gail asked, making absolutely no effort to take the bag from Swarek's hand.

"No time, Peck! We need someone to get these samples over there right now! We may be on to something here, and the sooner we find out the better. So?"

"Why don't you get a rookie to do it?" Gail just really did not want to face Holly.

"Listen Peck, I really don't have time to play this game. The rookies are all out patrolling or setting up road blocks, you are the first one I ran into, this is urgent, and maybe it was my mistake for asking instead of telling you, but this is actually an order!" He was getting clearly worked up and ended up basically shouting at Gail. As if she hadn't already understood the urgency of his request and that she just had to bite that bullet, Swarek grabbed her arm, pulling it out of her pocket, shoved the evidence bag into her hand, and walked away. As soon as he was out of arm's reach he turned around but kept walking backwards and added "This goes to Stewart and no-one else!"

_Stupid. Stupid Peck! Get your act together!_

After her exchange with Swarek Gail went back into full cop mode. In fact, she was a little embarrassed about acting like a petulant child, when she knew exactly how much was at stake. Maybe this little piece of evidence would lead them to that little girl's kidnapper and get Sarah back to her family. She hit the siren and rushed to the lab. She didn't really have time to think about Holly on the way over. First she tried to focus on little Sarah and tried to imagine what she must be going through, hoping that they would soon find her and rescue her from this nightmare. Then she was just focused on traffic and trying to get to the lab in record time without running anyone over. Most people didn't understand how hard it actually was to drive a squad car when the siren is on. You sort of think you can go as fast as you want and everyone will just get out of your way, but every single time there is some idiot who doesn't. It was actually a lot like cruising around on Grand Theft Auto, just minus the hitting people, cars and buildings. It wasn't until she got out of the elevator and walked down the corridor towards Holly's office that it hit her again.

_The lab. Holly. Shit. Just stay cool, Peck! _

Just as she rounded the corner, she saw a guy leaving her office. He seemed to be in his late 30s, attractive, a hint of grey around his temples. He had a stubble, although it was not the _I-just-didn't-have-the-time-to-shave-and-I-couldn't-care-less _kind you often see on police officers, it seemed very neat and tidy, matching the rest of his appearance. He wore a rather tight suit that looked expensive but not pretentious, and a matching tie. He could have walked a red carpet in that outfit. No, he definitely was no cop. He had this sciency, nerdy aura about him, in an attractive way though, just like Holly. Maybe he was a colleague? Gail had never seen him at the lab though.

As he exited her office he called in Holly's direction "Don't make me cry myself to sleep tonight, Stewart! Call me! And tell me what I want to hear!" He chuckled and walked away, giving Gail a polite nod as he passed by her.

He smelled nice, like just the right amount of a rather pricy perfume. Why the heck does he apparently so desperately want Holly to call him? Was he asking her out on a date? Would he even be her type? Gail caught herself picturing him kissing her and grimacing at the mental image.

_That's called jealousy, Peck! NO WAY! It's just weird! Not because you're jealous, but didn't Holly say she was a lesbian? What is up with that? _

_Focus, Peck! The evidence!_

Holly's door was open, but Gail stopped just in front of it and knocked on the doorjamb. Holly was leaning over paperwork, her head shooting up with the knock.

_Shit. She looks just as good as you remember her._

She saw Holly's face going through a whole range of motions. The polite smile she greeted her with turns into the most beaming of smiles that she has given Gail – and just her, or at least so it felt – so often in the past, just to collapse into a frown that is full of worry, hurt, angst and, ultimately, hope. It's as if someone had shown her a picture of the world's cutest puppies and told her that she had won a Nobel Prize, just to follow that up with the information that her favorite grandmother has died and that the last living tiger is about to be eradicated, but if she gave them her most heartbreaking look they might change their mind about the tiger.

She freezes for a few seconds, as does Gail. She was nervous and afraid to come here, to see her, but this she wasn't prepared for – these eyes that mirrored and confronted her with everything that had – or rather hadn't – happened in the past weeks and months. Holly is the first to recover, her mouth forming a careful, noncommittal smile.

"Gail, hi. What brings you here?" There is a slight twitch, but Holly decides to remain seated after all.

"Hi." Gail waves awkwardly, the evidence bag in her hand.

"Oh. Evidence?" She sounds more than just slightly disappointed.

"Yeah. It's from the kidnapping case. Some strands of hair we found in the car. Swarek thinks it might be the kidnapper's." She walks over to drop the evidence bag on her desk.

Hally grabs it and gets up, standing right across from Gail now. "Oh ok. I'll process it right away then."

As Gail turns to walk out, she asks in a disappointed and puzzled tone "You are not staying? Don't you need to report back to Swarek as soon as I find something?"

"Well, Holly, I have things to do, I can't just sit in the basement with you all day waiting for you to MAYBE find something... Just use a phone and call as soon as you got new information. You have Swarek's number don't you?" She realized that may have sounded a little – a lot – harsher than she had intended. _You go, Gail Peck! Always overshooting your mark._

Gail had no idea whatsoever how to behave with Holly. This whole situation was just awkward, to say the least. They tried the casual thing, the friends thing, the hanging out. It was clearly not doing Holly any good. And Gail.. well, she had no idea what it did to her. She preferred not to think about it. Probably because she knew she wouldn't like the answer or be able to deal with it. She came to the lab today with the intention of just playing it cool and easy. Not being too friendly so as to not give Holly any false hope. _Apparently I ended up being an asshole instead_, she thought.

Gail was almost out the door when she heard Holly's voice, quiet and hesitant, so that she almost missed it. "Gail?" She turned around slowly. "Mhm?" As she took a few steps towards Gail, her instinct told her to take a few steps back, to keep up their safe distance. Her feet were rooted to the spot though. "Listen. I know we didn't hang out lately, but... Could we grab a drink tonight? I really need to talk to you."

_Talk? About what? _

"Don't you have a date tonight?"

"Huh?" She realizes Gail is not going to elaborate on that comment, so she just continues. "Please, Gail. It's just a drink. It's not even going to take long. If you want you can be out after 20 minutes. It just kind of is important."

_I'm sure she wants to talk about 'us'. What is there to talk about? We said everything that needed to be said? And I am in no condition whatsoever to relive everything again, to be confronted with all those feelings again. The feelings that I had managed to ignore so well for the past few weeks. _Or so Gail thought at least..

"I'm sorry Holly, I have plans. Next time maybe give me a heads up." With that Gail was out the door.

The rest of Gail's day had been fairly busy. The whole precinct was up in arms trying to find the little girl and her kidnapper. They were finally able to identify him – a former lover of the girl's mother who thought the kid was his. _Holly identified him_. They brought the girl back to her parents and arrested the kidnapper.

It wasn't until Gail left the precinct that evening that she had time to check her phone. There were 8 missed calls from Holly. And 3 text messages.

_Gail, it's just a drink. No reason to freak out and run away. I thought we were friends?_

_Please Gail, I really need to talk to you. It's urgent._

_Call me if you change your mind. I really hope you do._

Gail's thumb hovered over the keyboard, wanting to reply. But reply what? What will happen if she agrees to have a drink? Will they be back to square one? Will Holly misinterpret that? She hit the screen lock button and threw her phone back into her purse. _Off to the Penny! Let's forget this day. Forget about Holly._

- - - - - - -

**_Author's Note:  
This is my first fanfic ever, so be gentle with me :) I have the rough storyline planned out, just need to do the writing.. English is not my first language, but I hope the story is still readable and enjoyable.._**


	2. Chapter 2

**Authors note: _Thank you for reading and for the kind reviews! It was really great to see that my first try was actually not total crap ;) Hope you keep enjoying my story! Be patient :)_**

...

Gail woke up to a slight headache. She was a little hungover, just enough to actually feel it. It was still early when she woke up, which was unusual for Gail. She used to spend most of her days off sleeping in until the early afternoon and spending the rest of the day nursing her hangover from the night before. She dreaded this whole empty day that was stretched out ahead of her. She just knew the moment she woke up that she would spend it thinking about Holly. Why couldn't she just be hungover?

She knew why. Last night at the Penny was kind of a slow night. Chris and Dov had to be in early for their shift today, and since she was riding with them her evening didn't really last too long. Plus, not even drinking was any fun last night. Initially, she was so looking forward to just getting drunk and forgetting about everything that happened that day. The kidnapping. And Holly. Mostly Holly. She sat down at the bar and ordered a beer and two shots of Tequila. She downed the first shot and shuddered. _Damn. This used to taste better. _She then spent the next 20 minutes just staring at her second shot. Staring and thinking. Trying not to think.

Chris and Dov were playing darts with some other officers from 15th. They weren't really too worried about Gail sitting at the bar by herself. They knew her. Seems like she just wanted to be alone, and they knew better as to encroach upon her personal space and me-time. Chris however knew that this was not just pissed I-hate-people Gail. She looked mostly pensive and sad tonight.

After a while Chris turned up at the bar right next to Gail and ordered two more beers for Dov and himself. He didn't sit down, signaling Gail that he was not planning on bothering her for any considerable amount of time. He just looked at her and she stared back.

"What is it, Diaz?!" She murmured after a short while.

He examined her face a little more, and just replied "Holly?"

Gail's whole body tensed, she shot up, her eyes narrowed. "Ugh. Who are you, Oprah?! Just leave me be, Diaz! I'm sure your little sidekick over there is waiting for his beer!"

Yep. Bull's Eye. Chris had been one of the very few people that Gail had told about Holly. Well, everyone knew about Holly, obviously, and some people actually suspected that she was not JUST a friend of Gail's. But Gail would never have admitted that. Except, she trusted Chris. So when he asked her about Holly a few days after the shootings, she opened up to him – as much as Gail opens up to anyone at all. Mostly she just answered his questions, observations and speculations with assertive or negative grunts, but at least she did so honestly. So he pretty much knew what was going on. He had also observed how Gail had treated Holly, how she ran and pushed her away, how she stood in the way of her own happiness because she was just stubborn and scared and... well... Gail.

He wanted to just shake her and tell her to let herself be happy, to let herself be loved, to see how much Holly cared for her and how much she actually cared for Holly. He wanted to shout at her to not be so stupid and throw away something great because she thinks she is too broken to deserve it and to not be left again in the end. But that did not fly with Gail Peck. The few times he tried to carefully bring it up or steer their conversation in that direction, Gail's alarm went off, her walls shot up and she went into complete lockdown. He wasn't going to stop trying though, no matter how many times she would shoot him down.

As Chris walked away Gail downed her second shot, washing it down with the rest of her beer. Liquid courage. As she signaled the barkeeper to get her another round, she got out her phone, took a deep breath, and opened Holly's messages again. For about half an hour she just stared at them, and started typing replies, maybe 10 of them, maybe 20, who knows. None of them were sent anyway. She had no idea what to reply. Of course she wanted to get a drink with Holly. Or five. But she couldn't. It was like opening Pandora's Box. Or was it? Would all those things that came out really be so bad? She didn't know. But she was also too scared to find out.

Just as she was about to put her phone away, she came across one of Holly's older messages.

_Gail, You are being a cat. There is no need to rush up that tree just yet. Check it out before you climb it. You have all the time in the world. The tree is not going to go anywhere. x H_

God. Why did she have to be so perfect? Why did she just get Gail the way she did? She even made sense of Gail's stupid cat analogy that not even Gail herself knew she really understood. She understood, was patient, let Gail do things on her own time. There was no pressure, no expectations. She would have waited. She was the tree that would not be going anywhere. Why did she do all that? Why did she care about Gail so much? Especially with all her snark, her being difficult, hot and cold, always keeping Holly at a distance. And why did Gail act the way she did? She didn't WANT to push Holly away, she didn't want to run, she didn't WANT to be difficult. She liked Holly. She really did. _No. _She just liked the thrill of trying something new – broadening her horizon, if you will. Oh yeah, she really did like that part. She liked how much Holly liked her. She liked the attention. She liked having that effect on someone. That was all.

As if to cement that thought in her mind, she downed another two shots of Tequila, got up and shouted in Chris' and Dov's direction before heading towards the door.

"Let's go home, suckers!"

So, here she was, alone in her apartment, not as hungover as she wanted to be. _Video games! Just play video games. That will take your mind off.. things. _She made coffee, grabbed some leftover doughnuts and a bag of cheese puffs and put everything on the coffee table, setting everything up for her gaming marathon. Before getting comfortable on the sofa she flipped through the mail that the boys had left on the kitchen table. Phone bill, electricity bill, some junk mail. A light blue envelope. There was only one word written on it: _Gail_. And she knew exactly who the letter was from. She recognized her handwriting. She turned the envelope in her hands, stroked the letters of her name with her thumb, trying to figure out what was inside, as if actually opening the envelope was not even an option and she had to find out telepathically. Opening it wasn't an option. She threw the envelope in the trash and went to the living room.

_Hm. Mortal Kombat. That's a good start. Just beating the living daylights out of some virtual character absentmindedly. Exactly what I need._

After two fights she got up, fishing the light blue envelope out of the trash and putting it in the bottom drawer of her nightstand.

_Ready? Fight!_

_..._

Silence. Was it Awkward? Comfortable? Deafening? Should she say something? But what? What do you say to someone who has just gone through a day like this? Should she turn on the radio? But what if the music is too cheerful? What if it is too sad? What if she catches the news by mistake and they talk about how three police officers have been critically injured by a raging lunatic with a shotgun? Gail certainly didn't need to be reminded of that – not that she would forget about it anytime soon anyway...

The car came to a stop at a red light. Holly looked around casually to catch a glimpse of Gail without ostentation. It doesn't look like she wants to talk anyway, or needs some sort of distraction in the form of Holly's chatter or bad music. The whole drive now Gail's face had been dipped in the blue light coming from her phone. She had been staring at it for the last 10 or 15 minutes, and Holly was wondering what the hell she was doing. It looked like she was typing. And then erasing what she had just typed. Over and over again. Was she texting someone? But whom? Maybe her parents, to let them know she's ok after what happened today? Unlikely. Holly knew that Gail and her family – especially her mother – had a _special _relationship, to say the least. She also knew that both her parents were somewhere high up on the career ladder with the Toronto police, so they probably knew that Gail was ok anyway. All the other people in Gail's life – at least the ones Holly knew of – Gail had just seen at the hospital. Maybe she's texting someone else? Maybe she didn't want to be alone tonight and wanted them to come over? _I would stay over, just say the word! _Or was she maybe texting Nick? Offering her sympathies about what just happened with Andy? Or letting him know that he had it coming? No, not even Gail would be that cruel. Holly realized the thoughts she was having had moved on from worrying about Gail to kind of worrying about herself. They were jealous thoughts. _Ok, now is REALLY not the time for that, Holly! _

Holly had been staring at the gearshift, deep in thought. She startled up as Gail was quietly clearing her throat, a sound obviously directed at Holly. As she looked up she realized the lights had turned to green. She uttered some weird, nervous guttural sound herself, feeling caught in the act, and turned left into Gail's street. She parked in front of Gail's house and ventured a look over at the blonde. As she locked the screen of her phone, Holly thought she saw a brief but content and honest smile flashing over Gail's face. It was quickly replaced by the worry she had seen before at the hospital, combined with fear and shyness.

Slowly, Gail raised her head. Her eyes quickly darted to Holly before they stared out the side window at her building. She took a deep breath and let out a silent sigh. She cleared her throat and opened her mouth to speak for the first time since they left the hospital. "I know I've already been demanding a great deal of you today. You can really say no." – "Gail, I'll stay with you. You shouldn't be alone right now." – "Ok."

They got out of the car and walked towards Gail's building. Holly didn't really know what to do. The pain and sadness that was written all over her face and her body was breaking her heart. She wanted her to know that she was there, that she would give anything to be able to lighten Gail's load, but she didn't know how. She knew that she had to tread lightly around Gail so as to not startle her and make her retreat into her fortress. She decided to go for a hand placed softly on her upper back, caressing her with slow movements of her thumb. Gail closed her eyes for a second, taking in Holly's touch. She slowed down slightly, leaning more into Holly's hand and letting her know that she had made the right choice.

As they entered the apartment, Gail deposited her boots and her jacket by the coat rack in the corridor. Holly followed suit. They walked down the corridor and Holly saw the living room opening up to their right. _The sofa looks quite comfortable_, she thought, preparing herself to be spending the night there. Gail came to a sudden stop in front of the living room and turned on her heels to face Holly. "You want a glass of water?" – "That would be great." Just as Gail asked, she realized that her mouth was bone-dry. She followed Gail through the living room and into the kitchen. Gail hadn't turned on the lights, she just maneuvered around the furniture with the help of the glow from the street lights coming in through the windows. She took a glass from the cupboard, filled it up and passed it to Holly. She was leaning against the kitchen counter as she watched Holly down the whole glass in one swig. She took it from her hand, refilled it, and then grabbed Holly's wrist and pulled her towards her bedroom. She put the glass down on the nightstand and turned on the bedside light.

Holly looked around Gail's room that was bathed in a dark red light now. The room was still very poorly lit, so Holly could only make out a few details, but what she saw suited Gail perfectly. The floor was dark wood and gave the room a cozy and classic flair. The walls were plain white. There were three huge picture frames hanging on her walls. One contained a poster of _The Nightmare Before Christmas_. It looked like one of the original movie posters that you could sometimes get from movie theatres back in the day if you asked really nicely. The edges looked a little worn out and there was a tear on the left side of the poster. The other frame held a black and white photograph of a young, light tree in front of several rows of tree trunks in the dark. Holly smiled. It was one of her favorite photographs of Ansel Adams. The third frame she couldn't see properly because of the shadow thrown on it by the huge dresser. No surprise there.

In one corner of the room there was an armchair with an occasional table next to it. On top of the table was a Rubik's Cube that seemed to be in the process of being solved. _Oh, but I am the nerd? _Next to it there was a wooden bookshelf that contained books, some DVDs and records. There weren't too many books or records, but from what Holly could see, all of them looked rather worn. She had probably read them all several times, or went back to read her favorite parts of it. That seemed just like Gail. Reluctant to let anyone or anything really touch her core, but when it did, she held it close. Above the armchair, to the right of the window, there was a rack with a cactus, the only plant in the room, a model of the Death Star, as well as C3PO and a Storm Trooper action figure, arranged in a clearly obscene position. _Rubik's Cub AND Star Wars? That certainly will be used against her at some point. _

To the left of the window there was a large mirror in a pompous golden frame, with pictures and postcards stuck in between the mirror and the frame. Lastly, her bed. It just seemed like the most comfortable thing ever. Just because it was Gail's bed. The sheets were white with splashes of color all over them. Most of them black, some red, yellow, green and blue. Kind of like a Pollock painting.

Holly snapped out of her observation mode as she realized Gail was standing in front of her, holding up pajama pants and a tee. "Bathroom is two doors down to the right. Did you want to take a shower before going to bed?" – "No. Aren't you hungry?" - "No. Are you? I'm sorry, I didn't think..." – "No, don't worry, I'm not. I just figured you probably haven't eaten all day." – "Oh well, yeah. Not really. But I couldn't eat now anyway." – "Ok. I'll go get ready then." Holly smiled. – "Use the red towel. It's mine. And I'm sorry I don't have a spare toothbrush. But you can just chew some toothpaste, that's what I do when I get home drunk and am too lazy to actually brush my theeth." _Seriously, Gail? She didn't need to know that! _Holly let out a surprised snicker. Gail sounded like she was really serious. "I'm pretty sure that doesn't clean your teeth at all, but I'll just follow your expert advice." She smirked as she turned around and headed towards the bathroom. When she came back, Gail was already in her pajamas as well. Holly did her best not to check Gail out too obviously. _Just look at her face. Her face! _

"Well, what do you say! Look who is wearing my things after all!" Gail said with a triumphant raise of her eyebrows. She was slowly getting her snark back. Holly supposed that was a good sign. "So... Where do you want me to sleep?" Gail looked at her surprised and mostly confused.

"Uh. The bed?!" She dragged out the words and pointed towards her bed incredulously. "I usually sleep... well, in the middle, actually. So you just get to pick a side. Just... As long as you're here when I get back." Gail turned around and went to the bathroom.

_Why wouldn't I be here when she got back? _Holly didn't quite understand why Gail felt the need to tell her that. Maybe it was her way of letting her know that she was happy she was here? Holly decided that must be it and couldn't help but smile at Gail's peculiar and quirky way of communicating. She picked the right side of the bed, the one opposite the nightstand. For some reason she thought that since they were at her place, Gail should be the one to have control over the light switch.

When Gail came back from the bathroom her eyebrows were knitted together, as if she actually expected to enter her room and find Holly gone. She relaxed visibly as she saw her in her bed and under the covers and gave her an honest and grateful smile. She slid under the covers herself and turned off the light. She was happy Holly let her have this side of the bed. She felt much better knowing she was close to the light switch.

It all started with Perick, when she started having nightmares. She was always looking for the switch in a panic as soon as they startled her out of her sleep. Nick had always insisted on sleeping on that side of the bed when he slept over, because he felt like he was protecting her, since it was the side that was closer to the door. She told him she didn't need his protection and added some sarcastic comments like him just being the pretty boy, and her being the actual cop, but he insisted. Gail hated it. She never told him the real reason why though.

Holly was lying on her left side, facing Gail. They weren't touching, but Holly could feel the tension in Gail's body through the mattress. Gail was lying flat on her back, tense as a wooden plank, holding her breath. It was only when she was under the covers and had turned off the light that she realized what was happening here. She was in bed with Holly. Holly! Beautiful, hot, smart, funny, caring, perfect, weird Holly. Lesbian Holly. Great kisser Holly. Was she expecting anything to happen? No. Holly may be really into Gail, but she's not one of those girls, especially not under these circumstances. What was she supposed to do? Hold her hand while sleeping? Spoon her? Gail had never admitted it to anyone, but she actually liked cuddling at night. But she couldn't just cuddle up to Holly. Could she?

"Could you please breathe?" Holly asked in a slightly worried but also amused tone. Gail released the breath she was holding. "Sorry." – "Don't be. I was just starting to get worried." Gail could hear that Holly was smiling.

Holly's hand was suddenly on Gail's forearm, causing Gail to flinch. She was stroking up and down her arm and went on to caress the palm of Gail's hand with her thumb. "Relax, Gail. It's just me."

All of a sudden, Gail turned towards Holly and pushed her shoulder down, so she was lying flat on her back. She swung her leg around Holly's hip and her left arm across her chest and rested her head on Holly's shoulder, while pulling her into herself as closely as she could. Holly placed one arm on top of Gail's and looped the other one around Gail's torso, resting her hand on Gail's waist and pulling her closer in return.

"Thank you." Gail whispered. – "Anytime." Holly placed a long, soft kiss on Gail's head. Suddenly, Gail popped up, resting on her elbow. Was that too much? Holly was startled and from the little bit of moonlight coming in through the window Gail could see she looked a little scared. Gail smiled at her and cupped Holly's right cheek with her hand. "Sorry. I just forgot something." She pressed a light kiss on Holly's lips before getting back into position and eventually, after only 5 minutes, falling asleep.


	3. Chapter 3

**Author's note: _Soooo, I'm sorry, I know you are waiting to find out what was in that envelope. BUT the next chapters are going to be more backstory, to let you know how they got to that point. I had initially planned to keep the backstory as brief as possible, but as I was writing, the words just kept coming out. A lot of them. Seems like I've decided to take it painfully slow with the backstory after all ;) Just bear with me. We WILL get to the envelope at some point! Thank you for reading!_**

**_..._**

_Fuck! Already? Shut up! _It was one of the sounds Gail dreaded the most. The persistent, penetrating buzz of her alarm clock. Especially on a morning like this. All things considered, she actually had a good night, had slept soundly and peacefully, for the first time since – well, she doesn't remember. But her night was still short. She lifted her arm and hit the snooze button before getting back into position.

Which was when it hit her. She was basically lying on top of Holly, clutching at her like a drowning person to a lifebelt. Her hand had apparently found its way past the hem of Holly's tee. Her head was snugged in the small dent just beneath her shoulder. She could feel her skin, smell her hair, feel her chest rise and fall with every breath, hear her heartbeat. And she felt the ever-increasing pace of her own. Was it excitement? No. That was panic. She needed to get out.

As she tried to break away, she felt Holly's hand on her hips, pulling her back in.

"Don't go yet." She said sleepily, tightening her grip on Gail and snuggling into her.

"I have to get ready for work. Didn't you hear the alarm?"

"Didn't you just hit the snooze button?"

_Damn. What now? I guess you're just going to have to deal with it. It's probably just four more minutes. You can do it._

Gail was lying there all stiff and tense. There was no more relaxing, her eyes were wide open, darting back and forth. _Damn. If I can feel her heartbeat I'm sure she can feel mine as well._ _How did you end up like this? Here. In your bed. Together. It was nice though, wasn't it? She felt good, didn't she? _

_Ok, this is torture. For her mainly, but for me as well. Maybe I should just let her go. _

Holly pressed a kiss on Gail's head and relaxed her arms, releasing Gail from her grip. Gail didn't dare to move though, waiting for what was to come next.

"Come to think of it though, if we get up right away, there might be time for a quick coffee. I'm sure we both could use it. Why don't you get ready and I'll try to work your coffee-maker?"

Gail got out of bed and pulled some clothes out of her dresser. She had carefully avoided looking at Holly.

"It's a French press."

"I'm sure I'll manage." Holly said with a grin, trying very hard to keep things light.

They were sitting in Holly's car again. In silence. Again. They had just arrived at the precinct and Holly turned off the engine. They both sat there for another minute maybe, staring out of the windshield. Gail turned her head somewhat in Holly's direction and took a deep breath.

"Thanks again. For... you know... everything." She reached over to pat Holly's thigh very awkwardly, but jerked back her hand as if she had just touched a burning hotplate.

"Of course. Whatever you need, you know where to find me." She hoped she sounded reassuring and honest. She's been trying to not let those feelings show, but she couldn't deny the touch of disappointment and insecurity, and maybe a little fear and frustration too, that this morning had left her with. She knew this wasn't about her, she knew this was neither the right time nor the right place for those selfish feelings. She just couldn't turn them off completely.

As she reached for the door handle, Gail's eyes met Holly's for the first time this morning. Her look almost broke her heart. It seemed to say 'I am really sorry I suck at this, I have absolutely no idea how to do this, but I am really grateful that you are here'. It seemed to scream 'GOD WHY CAN'T I DO THIS PROPERLY?!'.

Holly gave her her best smile in return. She wanted that smile to tell Gail that she understood. That she was happy to be there, that she would be there in the future. That Gail had all the time in the world and that she knew that this, the communication and the feelings thing, isn't exactly her area of expertise. She wanted it to tell her that everything would be fine. She wasn't really sure though if Gail spoke the language of smiles, but it was the best thing she could come up with in the moment.

As Gail got out, Holly called after her. "Gail, when you get off tonight, maybe... maybe you let me know you're ok?" – "Ok." Gail jogged off into the precinct.

8:26 pm. Still no word from Gail. Holly had probably been checking her phone every 5 minutes for the past two hours. She had no idea when Gail's shift was supposed to end. But since it started at 8 in the morning she has to get off at some point, right? Maybe she has to do overtime since their division is a little short on staff right now? Maybe she got cold feet? Maybe everything that happened yesterday was just an overreaction to the stress?!

Holly was still at the morgue, leaning over her desk, busying herself with some paperwork. _It has to be done at some point anyway... _It was certainly better than sitting at home just staring at her phone, with no distraction to keep her busy. Her phone rang.

"Officer Peck! What can I do for you?" Holly didn't want Gail to hear the relief and delight she felt when she saw her name light up on the screen.

"You told me to let you know I'm ok. I am ok." Gail's voice sounded small.

"Well, you are surprisingly compliant, officer!" Holly wanted to keep things casual between them, she thought that would make things a little easier for Gail.

"So you didn't actually want me to call?"

"No, that's not... I'm glad to hear you're ok."

"Ok."

"Tough shift? You sound tired."

"Yeah well, sorry I'm not the epitome of happiness and bursting with energy with everything that's been going on lately."

Holly didn't reply immediately. How did their conversation take that turn?

"With our division, I mean." Gail added, realizing that she might have given Holly the wrong idea.

"Sorry, I didn't mean it like that. Of course you are feeling down and exhausted after what's been happening. I just hope your shift was somehow bearable."

"I guess. What are you doing?"

"I'm actually still at the morgue. Paperwork. I'm an expert at leaving that until the last minute. Are you home already?"

"No, I'm still at the precinct. Steve and Traci are already out, and Chris left to keep Dov company at the hospital. So I'm waiting to see if someone can maybe give me a ride."

"You want me to pick you up?"

"Come to think of it, you ARE kind of responsible for my current situation. I mean, you just left me here and now I have to fend for myself to get back home! What about your paperwork though?"

"Gee... Annoying paperwork or a demanding, petulant cop... Come to think of it, that really IS a tough call!" Holly snickered.

_Demanding? Petulant? Hrmpf!_

"I'll be there in 15 minutes?"

"Ok, I'll be the petulant blonde in the grey hoody with the dark circles around her eyes."

"Good to know, I wouldn't want to be picking up the wrong girl. She might not be throwing any sass at me on the drive back."

"You know I have no idea where you live!"

"Yes." Holly speaks Gail well enough to know where she is going with this. But letting her dangle for a while just seems like too much fun.

"Yes?" She asks incredulously and slightly annoyed.

"Well, since you've never been to my place it kind of figures that you have no idea where I live."

"So do I have to use my powers as an officer of the law to find out or are you just going to tell me?"

"Hm. I don't know. I might just let you work for it." Holly was no longer able to keep a straight face.

"In that case, I don't even want to know anymore. You can just drop me off at my place." Gail knew Holly was playing with her. But the last days have just left her drained, and she could not for the life of her come up with a better retort.

"I don't think so. We're already at my place and I really don't feel like going aaaall the way back to yours now again."

Gail looked around. Yep, they were definitely nowhere near her place. Apparently she was so immersed in her thoughts and busy trying to keep up with Holly's game that she didn't even realize where they were going.

Holly lived in Cabbagetown, one of those artsy, sophisticated, but not too smug and actually quite charming neighborhoods. It was a good fit, Gail thought, even though the hint of suburbia back in the side streets gave her the creeps a little. Holly's car came to a stop. She turned and pointed to the building on their right.

"You live in _that_ _house?!_ How... bourgeois..._"_ It was a semi-detached house, built of redbrick, with bay windows, front yard, and all.

"Well, it used to be my grandparents'. I moved here a little over a year ago, after they died."

"Oh. I'm sorry."

"It's ok. My grandfather was 92 when he died, my grandmother was 89. He died of a heart attack, in his sleep. He didn't have to suffer too much. Not even two weeks later, my grandmother died. It was like she just didn't see the point in being here without him. She probably died with a smile on her face. People used to tell me how tragic they thought it was. Losing two family members in such quick succession. And yes, it was heartbreaking. I did cry a lot, I missed them a lot. I still do. But I couldn't help but be happy and grateful that she didn't have to struggle through years of a life that I knew she would never find real joy in again, you know? I thought it was kind of romantic, her following him. I know it's stupid."

"No, it's not." Gail couldn't help but smile. It was an honest and a fascinated smile. Holly was such a romantic. She was hopeful, and she had this gift to see the good in everything. Maybe that's why Gail was so drawn to her. Maybe she would see the good in Gail too?

Holly was leading the way towards the front door. After what she just told her about her grandparents, Gail wanted to give Holly some kind of sign. A sign that she understood, a sign that she was there, a sign that that story made Holly even more adorable to Gail. But of course, Gail being Gail, she didn't really know how to. She just wanted to place her hand on Holly's back, as Holly did so nonchalantly just the night before. But her hand just hovered somewhere about 20 centimeters behind her back. It was only when Holly came to a stop at the door, fishing for her keys in her purse, that Gail's hand landed on Holly's shoulder blade somewhat clumsily. Even though she obviously saw it coming, Gail was a little surprised by that sudden touch herself. She resisted the urge to jerk back her hand though. Holly didn't really react to Gail's touch. Gail however noticed that for a brief moment Holly closed her eyes, drew in a breath, and smiled. _Yes. Even more adorable. _

The ground floor was a giant open space. To the left there was a modern, open kitchen, separated from the living room by a breakfast bar. Her fridge was covered in postcards and other snippets that obviously meant something to her. Facing the bay window, there was a massive wooden dining table, half of it covered messily in newspapers, books and journals.

The living area looked very warm and cozy. The furniture was a mix of old stuff, possibly her grandparents', and newer, but still classy, pieces. Everything fit together perfectly. One wall was completely covered in a massive bookshelf that seemed like it was about to burst. Out towards the back there was a row of French windows through which, in the dark, Gail could vaguely make out a terrace that connected to the back yard. In the middle of the room there was a comfortable looking dark leather couch and two armchairs, worn with use, which were arranged around an old seaman's chest that worked as a coffee table.

"Do you play?" Gail asked, pointing at the piano.

"Not really. I used to when I was a kid. I came here every other day to practice. And then my brother and I would stay at my grandparents' for the rest of the day. At that time we grew up more with them than with our parents I think."

"Oh..."

"No, it wasn't as sad as it sounds. It wasn't because our parents didn't care. They were just working really hard because they wanted to enable us to do whatever we wanted."

"That does _not _sound familiar at all!"

"And my grandparents were happy to chip in. They said we kept them young. And I loved being here, surrounded by the two of them. Both when I was a child and when I was an adult. Later on, I used to come over at least once a week to visit them. They could never agree on anything, but at the same time they just radiated such warmth and happiness. There were so many little things about them that left no doubt that they just belonged together. I guess it was through them that I first got an idea of what it must be like to really love someone."

Gail spotted one of the giant framed photographs above the fireplace. She smiled. It showed a young, light tree in front of several rows of tree trunks in the dark. She looked over at Holly who had been following Gail's gaze and was now smiling back widely. Gail turned back to inspect the picture frames on the mantelpiece. Most of them were pictures of Holly and her friends, some were of her parents and brother – or at least so Gail thought, since the people kind of looked like Holly. The place of honor, right in the middle, belonged to her grandparents of course. It wasn't one of those posed pictures, just a snapshot, maybe 10 years old, Gail guessed. They were each sitting in one of the armchairs that were still in the living room. Her grandmother's arm was extended over to her husband, covering his hand that was resting on his leg with hers, while she seemed deeply immersed in a book. In his other hand he was holding a newspaper, but his eyes were focused on her. He smiled, completely mesmerized, as if he had fallen head over heels for her just yesterday. Gail understood what Holly was talking about.

"The seem really great. Exceptional."

Her grandfather's smile kind of reminded her of Holly's.

They spent the rest of the evening on the couch, exchanging stories, eating takeout and having a few beers. Holly told Gail more about her grandparents, Burt and Katherine, and about her childhood. She talked about how hard it was to leave them when she went to Vancouver to attend med school. Gail talked about her family a little bit as well. How expectations and rules were part of her life since early childhood. How she always wanted to learn how to play the violin but never was allowed to. 'It wouldn't get her nowhere.' They talked about how your upbringing shapes your personality, but how it also always leaves some room for you to go your own ways. It was a surprisingly open conversation on Gail's part. Especially considering it was on the subject of family, her family.

After several hours, Holly gave Gail a tour of the rest of the house. On the first floor, there was a bathroom - just as modern and stylish as the kitchen – a guestroom – _of course Holly has a guestroom, she's such an adult _– and an office. The office had another wall full of books. This apparently was the sciency section. _So the books down there were ALL just for fun? _ The last room on the floor left Gail stunned. It was a giant walk-in closet.

"Seriously? A walk-in closet? I wouldn't have pegged you as a fashionista! Wow! When can I move in?" Holly decided to brush over that last part, and replied quickly.

"Haha! Well, I'm full of surprises! I also want to point out – no fleece!"

"Yeah yeah, I'm sure the fleece is hidden away somewhere in one of those drawers! Just one question. Where is your bedroom?"

Holly smirked and raised one of her eyebrows teasingly, which made Gail blush.

"I mean, I've seen all rooms on this floor and on the ground floor. And there was no bed."

"Relax, I know what you mean. Follow me."

They turned a corner at the end of the corridor and climbed a narrow, wooden flight of stairs to the attic. The attic had been converted into a bedroom. It was enchanting. Holly flipped one of the light switches and the room was dipped in a warm, soft light. Apart from the bed, there were two more armchairs in one corner of the room, mostly covered in clothes, and a small sideboard between them. The parquet flooring, like the armchairs, were a dark chocolaty brown, contrasting with the plain white of the walls and the sheets nicely.

"Wow, Holly! This is amazing! Seriously! The whole house is amazing, actually. So you're a real catch, huh?"

"I hope not just because of the house." She chuckled, but Gail could here a hint of nervousness creeping up in Holly.

"Well, that was the tour!" She said, as she descended the stairs back to the first floor. She stopped halfway through the corridor and turned around.

"So, I can't drive you home."

"Huh?"

"I've had too much to drink. I can't drive you home."

"How convenient, Dr. Stewart, isn't it?" _Ok Gail, where did that come from? _

"Well, actually..." Holly was struggling for words and kept adjusting her glasses, which – as Gail new by now – was what she did when she was nervous.

"Now who needs to relax? So, since you can't take me home, I hope you can compensate me with a place to sleep?" _Wow, you're on fire! Pull through! You can do it!_

"Oh, of course. Of course! Do you want to stay in the guestroom, or..."

Gail took a step towards Holly, placed a hand on her hip and pressed a tentative kiss on her lips. As Holly released an involuntary sigh, she could feel the blonde smile against her lips. Gail's other hand moved up to Holly's neck and she pulled her in a little closer, kissing her more firmly this time. She backed away after a bit, leaving Holly with her eyes closed for another moment.

"So, are you going to give me some clothes to sleep in or what?"

When she entered her bedroom, Gail was already under the covers, lying flat on her back, staring at the ceiling. She had turned on the bedside lamp and was lying on that side of the bed. _Ok, there goes my control over the light switch... Would you stop complaining? You got a gorgeous, amazing blonde in your bed in return, who cares about a stupid light switch?! _

Holly got into bed and turned on her side to face Gail. She was still staring at the ceiling. "What's that?" she asked pointing up to the little lights, probably hundreds of them, that were attached all over the ceiling of the peaked roof.

"Uhm, lights? It looks a little like a starlit sky when they are turned on. Very corny, I know. But I like it."

"You forgot to show me when you were giving me the tour."

"Ha, well, I didn't want to play my best cards all at once." She smirked.

Gail suddenly got serious. She turned to face Holly, mirroring her position. She was fighting the urge of telling her, but somehow she just thought she'd feel lighter if she did. The words just kept coming out.

"I hope you don't mind I picked this side. It's just, I like... I need to have the light switch within reach. It makes me feel... safer?"

Holly had an idea where this might be going. She didn't want to interrupt Gail's train of thought. She decided to not say anything, to wait for whether Gail would muster up the courage to continue. She certainly looked like there was more to be said. Holly just entangled her legs with Gail's and kissed her lightly, before resting her head back on her pillow.

Gail smiled shyly. She took Holly's hand in hers, running her fingertips over Holly's palm, tracing the outlines of her fingers. Her eyes were focusing on their hands as she started to speak again.

"I started having nightmares after I was involved in a... an undercover gig that went horribly wrong."

"Ross Perick." Holly tried to sound as matter-of-factly as possible. Gail's eyes darted up and locked with Holly's.

"You know?"

"I followed his trial."

"Why?"

"Detective... Jerry. I just wanted to know what happened to him. Why it happened to him. I wanted to see Perick being put away with my own eyes."

Oh God. How well did she know Jerry? Was Holly another person that Gail robbed of a loved one? She couldn't bear to look at her anymore. There was a lump in her throat and her stomach was turning. She tried to withdraw her hand, but Holly covered it with her free hand and held it tight. She brought it up to her lips and kissed it. Then she held her hand in position, her lips brushing up against them every now and then while she was speaking.

"Gail. You made it out alive. You can't feel guilty about that. I won't let you feel guilty about that. I'm sure you have suffered enough as it is. There was nothing you could have done differently. What happened is not your fault."

"People keep saying that." Gail had her eyes closed now, a tear running silently down her cheek as all the memories came back to her.

"Because it's the truth. Jerry would certainly tell you himself if he could."

"Did you know him well?"

"Not really. We weren't close friends, having drinks, catching up, nothing like that. But I liked him, and I guess he liked me. And he kind of liked the morgue, it seems. He used to stick around for a little while whenever he could. We talked about work, and about sports. I'd tell him about the terrible dates I've been on, and he'd rave about his girlfriend. Every so often he would ask me for my take on things, you know, 'as a woman'. I think our little exchanges were working so well _because _we weren't friends, you know? We weren't part of each other's lives, so it was easier to share things. Oh, once he made me cry though. He read me his wedding vows. He was really nervous about them. And he kind of gloated when he saw me tear up." Holly chuckles as she remembers.

"He was one of the good ones. _YOU _are one of the good ones, Gail."

Gail moved closer into Holly and kissed her before wrapping her arms around her and holding her close. All the memories cam rushing back, but now, in the safety of Holly's arms, she felt like maybe, someday, she might be able to face them.

"So... How often are you having those nightmares?"

"Unless I'm drunk enough to practically just pass out, more or less every night."

"I'm sorry." She pulled Gail in a little closer, her hand tangled up in her hair.

"I didn't have any last night. Maybe you help."

"That's going to be my new mission in life then. Making you sleep easy and peacefully." Gail could hear Holly smile as she said this. She turned around and switched off the light.

"Would you be my big spoon?" she asked, moving her back into Holly's body.

She wrapped her arm around her, her hand resting on Gail's ribcage. Her other arm was stretched out in front of Gail's face, her head resting on top of it. Gail grabbed Holly's hand and entwined their fingers, while Holly placed a few soft kisses on Gail's neck.

"Always."

Gail smiled and drifted off into a good night's sleep.


	4. Chapter 4

Holly woke up to the pitter-patter of naked feet. She could tell that Gail tried to be extra quiet, but since she was pacing back and forth for some reason Holly couldn't figure out, she didn't really manage the quiet part. Holly opened her bleary eyes and tried to focus them on Gail. She was standing there in Holly's shorts and t-shirt, holding a pile of clothes in her hands.

"Do you have to go to work?" Gail jumped at the sound of Holly's voice, obviously expecting her to still be fast asleep.

"Uhm... No." She thought about lying. She couldn't.

"So you just wanted to sneak out?"

Gail was standing there like a little lost child. She had been caught. She felt awful, embarrassed by the fact that she was just going to let Holly wake up to an empty bed, and an empty house. She didn't know what to say.

"I tell you what. I will turn around now and pretend I'm still asleep for, I don't know, ten minutes? That should give you enough time to get dressed and sneak out of the house. You should leave a note though, that's just common courtesy. There is a notepad and a pen on the kitchen table somewhere. _Or_, I will find you downstairs when I come down in ten minutes, make coffee, and we can have breakfast and think about what to do with our day off."

Gail looked at Holly snuggling down in her bed again. She shook her head in disbelief. What did just happen? Did she really just give her an out? And invited her in at the same time? Baffled and bemused, she turned to descend the narrow stairs down from the bedroom.

Holly's eyes darted over the kitchen and the living room. There was no sign of Gail. She took another few steps towards her kitchen table to look for a note, when she noticed it. The cool draft coming in through the open door. She closed her eyes for a moment and smiled before turning her head. There she stood, leaning against the balustrade, one of Holly's thick, woolen scarves wrapped around her neck, every breath leaving a plume of breath in the cold morning air.

Holly turned to make coffee and then joined Gail on the terrace. Without a word, she set down a steaming cup of coffee in front of her.

"Thank you." An abashed smile ran across Gail's face as she brought it to her mouth and blew on its hot contents, while staring into the open space that was Holly's backyard. It was a cold but sunny day. Gail's eyes were a bright turquoise. God, those eyes. Holly could just stare at them all day long. See them change color with every change of light, with every change in Gail's mood. As much as they perpetually varied their shade of blue , they were always deep. There was always a little fire in them. And a little pain and sadness. And a little yearning. Whether Gail had any idea what exactly it was she was yearning for, Holly had no idea.

"Did you sleep well?"

"No nightmares."

"I'm happy to hear that. Maybe I do help after all." Holly tried to sound as noncommittal as possible, but she could not stifle the hint of triumph and dare in her tone of voice.

"Holly, about before... I... This is what I do. When I don't know how to deal with a situation, I run. I know I do it, but I just can't help it. And I know that I will do it again. And I also know you don't deserve that." She gave Holly a brief, tentative look. Holly slid up the balustrade until her shoulder was touching Gail's.

"Maybe I don't deserve that. But it's not like I didn't know what I was getting into. It didn't really take too long to figure that out about you, you know? I haven't entirely figured out _why _you're doing it though, but I'm sure you have your reasons. So I'm just trying to give you reasons not to run. And maybe one day you won't. I'll just have to wait and see about that. Because you..." she placed a soft kiss on Gail's cheek, "you deserve patience."

Gail wanted to just cry. Cry because she felt sad and even more embarrassed now about wanting to take a stealthy leave. And because she couldn't contain the rush of gratefulness and relief that was running through her body. For the first time in a very long time, she felt understood. Even though Holly didn't _really_ understand – how could she? – she gave her the confident feeling that she did. That she actually liked Gail _because _she was Gail, and not in spite of it. How could someone see through her like that in no time? Gail didn't usually let that happen. _Don't fool yourself. You know you're going to fuck it up in the end anyway. You know that what seems mysterious and endearing now will soon seem tiring and annoying, and she'll be sick of your hot and cold. _

"So. How do you like your eggs?"

"What?" Gail's train of thought was suddenly interrupted.

"Eggs. Scrambled? Sunny-side-up? Boiled? Omelet?"

"No."

"To all of them?"

"I hate eggs."

"Ok. So, pancakes or French toast?"

"Mmm. French toast. But next time I want pancakes!" _Next time._

"Yes, officer!" Holly said with a grin. She heard what Gail just said. What she just insinuated. She didn't call her out though, and Gail appreciated that.

"I'm allergic to tomatoes!" Gail had absolutely no idea why she said that. Shouted it, rather, since Holly was already back inside and on her way to the kitchen.

"Ok then, no tomatoes on _your_ French toast!"

They were sitting at the kitchen table. Gail was on her second cup of coffee and her second slice of incredibly delicious French toast. Everything seemed so simple. Holly was sitting across from her, enjoying her breakfast, smiling at Gail lazily every now and then, making some idle breakfast conversation.

"So do you have any plans for the day?" she asked when they had finished their breakfast.

"Not really, no."

"What do you feel like doing?"

"Honestly? Nothing. I just want to do nothing. Relax. Read a book? It's been ages since I've done that."

"I have books." Gail looked up at Holly, raising her eyebrows questioningly.

"I mean, I could get the fireplace going. And you could pick up a book and get comfortable on the couch. If you want."

"Ok."

It took Gail about 15 minutes to pick a book from Holly's vast collection. _The World According to Garp. _That had been on her list for quite some time anyway. She slipped under the blanket on the sofa and started reading while Holly lit up the fireplace and made tea. She sat down at the other end of the sofa and pulled down her glasses that had been resting on the top of her head.

"I'm sorry."

"About what?"

"Well, I guess this was not what you had in mind when you said we could think about what to do with our day off. You probably expected something a little more... interactive?" Holly tilted her head and smiled. "I didn't _expect_ anything. This is perfect."

Gail smiled back, lifting up the blanket to invite Holly in. She stretched out under the blanket and Gail hooked her leg into Holly's. That's how they spent the next few hours. Their legs intertwined. Gail reading her book, Holly first reading one of her science journals, before turning to a collection of short stories by Roald Dahl. Gail had a copy of that on her bookshelf. It was one of the more used ones. They would both look up and glance at the other time and again, exchanging contented smiles whenever their eyes met. Gail looked very peaceful, Holly thought. The pain and sadness were hardly detectable in her eyes now. And Gail felt at peace. Completely calm. Holly just had that effect on her.

Holly would get up every now and then to place another log on the fire, make another tea, or get some snacks. _Finally, someone who understands the concept of snacking. _Every time she got back under the blanket, her leg would brush up and down against Gail's before she got back into position. Whenever Gail got up to get a glass of water or use the bathroom her hand would sweep across Holly's shoulder or her hair in passing. One time, as she came back to the sofa, Holly extended her hand. Gail stopped briefly, then took Holly's hand, and was pulled down into a brief, tender kiss.

It was around 6 pm when Gail stood in front of Holly, who was sitting on one of the barstools, completely dressed and ready to go. She held her by the collar, pulling her into a long kiss. She moved her tongue across Holly's bottom lip, before moving on to her upper lip, pushing her mouth open to slip her tongue past her lips. As their tongues met Gail gasped and was pulled in closer by Holly, who now had her legs wrapped around her hips, her hands sliding up and down Gail's back. Their kiss got more passionate and intense, until it was interrupted by two honks. Gail pulled back, resting her forehead against Holly's.

"I don't want to go."

"Then stay."

"I can't. I should really go see Sam and Chloe. And I do have to keep Chris some company tonight, he's had a few rough days as well."

"I know. I know... I just... You can come back whenever you want, you know?"

"I know." She pressed a quick kiss on Holly's lips and backed out towards the door. "I _will_ call you, ok?"

"I know. I still owe you pancakes." Holly smirked.

Gail rushed out and got into Chris' car. She smiled and got out her phone.

G: _Today was great. Exceptional. Thank you. x G_

Chris looked at Gail and grinned knowingly.

"Just drive, ok?! The sooner we get to the hospital, the sooner we'll get to have a drink."

"As you command."

H: _No, thank you for staying. I loved having you here. x H_

After they had stopped by the hospital to check on Sam – he was awake but still very groggy – and Chloe – she was still the same -, convinced Dov to grab a bite to eat with them, and drove by Oliver's house to see how he was doing, only to be ushered out by an overprotective, worried Celery after 10 minutes, they finally ended up at the Penny. They were the only ones there from their division, but Gail didn't mind. She wasn't in the mood for too much socializing anyway.

They sat in their booth, each holding on to their second bottle of beer.

"So. Holly."

"Gail. G-A-I-L!"

"You know what I mean!"

"No, I have no idea what you mean." Of course Gail didn't want to talk about it. That was no surprise to Chris. But he wasn't going to let her off the hook that easily.

"You've spent the night at her place, right?"

"So?"

"And since there were two coffee cups in the sink when I came home last night, I suppose she spent the night at our place the night of the shootings?"

"Wow. Detective's rotation is coming up again soon. You should _definitely _apply, Diaz!"

"Ha ha. Funny." His face was serious, but his eyes had a devilish glow. He knew she was going to break. He knew she was _dying_ to talk to someone. Well, not so much talk as just communicate – in Gail's way, the one of few words, a lot of grunts and a carefully placed endearing insult here and there.

"Listen Gail. You know I know you. And I think I have a pretty good idea of what's going on here. _But... _You also know that I have a vivid fantasy. So you can either leave it to that to make up my version of what's happening, which is probably going to be rather dirty, or you can talk to me and let me know what it actually is that's going on. Your choice."

"Fineeeee. Just let me get out the tissues. For you, I mean."

"Oh wow, so the reality is as dirty as my imagination would be?" Gail realized the double entendre of her statement and screwed up her face.

"Ew! Disgusting! And _not _what I meant!" Chris laughed loudly, and took some time to regain his composure.

"Ok, ok. No more dirty thoughts. So. You like Holly. I mean you _like _like her."

"Mhm."

"And she _likes _likes you too."

"How could she not? I'm awesome!"

"Alright." Gail raised one eyebrow expectantly. "And yes, you are."

"Have you... kissed her?"

Gail just rolled her eyes. Chris took that as a yes.

"More than once?"

"Ugh, really? It's not like I kept count!"

Chris just smiled. _Exactly _where he wanted to have her.

"Have you done more than kiss? You know... I mean..."

"I know what you mean! I'm not stupid!" She riled at him.

"So?" She just averted her eyes and shook her head.

"Good."

"Good?"

"So she's not a rebound." Gail's head snapped back up, surprised and shocked, her eyes piercing him. That thought hadn't even entered Gail's mind. Was she a rebound? Or was Chris right? Knowing herself, she probably would have jumped straight to sex if Holly were a rebound. And emotionally? Well, Gail was certainly not looking for anyone to develop feelings for to bury her feelings for Nick underneath them. She was completely caught by surprise. By Holly, by the feelings she evoked in her. Feelings that Gail hadn't known until now. Not with Chris, and not with Nick either. It's not that she didn't love them. She did. She loved Nick passionately. But at some point it became more passion than love. They fell back into being a couple because they didn't know how to be anything else to each other. But they should have known that there was no way they could build a new, stable relationship on the foundation of a pile of rubble left behind from the first one. And Chris, she loved more like you love a brother, simple as that. She still does.

She remembers Chris' statement. Or maybe it was a question? She answered calmly. "No. She's not a rebound."

"Are you falling in love with her?"

"Ugh! Diaz! Enough with the touchy-feely talk!"

"I will take that as a yes. But you are scared. Because she's a girl?"

"No. I don't think so."

"Because you think you'll fuck it up? You think she'll eventually leave?"

She looked at him, all the insecurity and pain floating out through her eyes.

"I don't know her, Gail. But I'm pretty sure she's not like Nick. And from the little I've witnessed, you're not the same Gail you were with him. Or with me. When it comes to her, you seem more... in tune?... than I've ever seen you before. I mean, you never know how things will turn out. But I'm pretty sure you are not going to fuck it up if you don't want to. You can do this. If you let yourself."

Gail just grunted. She knew he was right. Somewhere deep down she knew. But on the surface, she was still the broken, insecure, bitchy loner that drove people away if the got too close. _Maybe not this time though. You can do this. If you let yourself. _

"Ok, I'll stop torturing you. Another beer?"

"I think I'm going to move on to scotch. Make it a double!"


	5. Chapter 5

_**Here you go, some more Gail & Holly backstory fluff - enjoy it while it lasts ;) **_

_**I'm sorry this update took so long - I definitely will upload another chapter soon! (which may or may not contain some smut, so I've already changed the rating, just to be on the safe side...**__**)**_

_**. . . . .**_

The next few days were a conglomeration of text messages, exhausted late night phone calls, a few hurried get-togethers at the coffee-cart by the morgue, and a couple of quick lunch dates in Holly's office. Then there were a few errands to be run to the morgue, which Gail volunteered for whenever she got a chance. One time, Gail was asked to take a small cask of smelly goo to the morgue – an occasion they quickly turned into a brief make-out-session that was unceremoniously interrupted by the crackle of Gail's radio.

If she was completely honest, Holly was almost grateful for the disturbance. She really liked Gail. She liked her weird antics, she was intrigued by Gail's hard, sassy shell, and she adored the few glimpses of the soft spots underneath that she had caught every now and then. But, truth be told, Gail was also _hot_. Incredibly, mind-numbingly, take-your-breath-away, burn-your-loins hot. Holly wanted to be patient, she did her best not to pressure Gail and to not get frustrated in the process. But a make-out-session like that did not make that task any easier.

15th was still understaffed, so all officers had to chip in. And they did so willingly. When you get so close to losing people, losing members of your family, basically, long hours and late nights seemed like a small price to pay. Plus, people just wouldn't stop committing crimes. Just a couple of days after the shootings, three piles of human remains were found, all disposed of in a similar manner, pointing to a possible serial killer. So of course not only the officers at the precinct were operating at full stretch. No, Callaghan had put Holly – and only Holly – in charge of all the lab work, making her schedule even tighter than Gail's.

But tonight was supposed to be the night, it was nine days after the shootings. There was no new evidence found, so Holly could finish up everything on her table today and maybe take the next day – or at least half of it. Gail wasn't supposed to come in until noon the next day. It was their chance to see each other again, finally, for more then just 30 minutes, and without being surrounded by bones, smelly goo or a bunch of random people at the coffee cart. There would even be time to spend the morning together, have breakfast, laze around, just spend some quality time together.

Holly was just finishing up at the lab, when her phone rang. She had assigned Gail a personal ring tone, so that through the stress of the past days she knew when it was worthwhile to check her phone and when it could be ignored. She had gone through a number of songs, all of which she deemed too presumptuous – for now at least – and she eventually settled on the Star Wars theme. It was noncommittal and run-of-the-mill, but still Gail. _Sure, Holly! You are so swamped in work that you hardly want to take the time to pee, but why NOT spend almost 20 minutes deciding on a ring tone?!_

"Helloooow?!"

"Hey! You sound pretty chipper."

"Yep, I do. That's because I have plans with a certain blonde tonight. You are still blonde right? It feels like ages since I last saw you."

"You know you saw me this morning, right? At the coffee cart?"

"I know. But I'm still looking forward to having you to myself for a few hours, be able to lay eyes on you for more than 20 minutes, actually have time to talk, you know, that kind of stuff..."

"Yeah. About that. It's not happening."

"What? Why?" _Don't run, Gail. Not tonight. Come on!_

"Well, Chloe finally woke up, and it looks like she's out of the woods. So Frank sort of ordered all of us to gather at the Penny tonight for a little celebration. Even Dov is going to come out with us, Chloe's orders, although I doubt he'll stay for much more than one drink anyway... So anyway, I can't really get out of that. And, to be completely honest, I think it'll be kind of nice to..."

"Hey, it's alright. I get it. You don't have to explain. It's great news that everyone is going to be fine, eventually. I'm happy for you. You should go and celebrate with your family. I'll still be here tomorrow."

"Well, tomorrow I'm on the late shift, and..."

"Or the day after that. Whenever. I was looking forward to seeing you tonight, but sometimes you just got to acknowledge when you're outdone, I guess."

"Holly, I..." Gail's voice was pleading and apologetic.

"Gail! I was kidding! About the being outdone part I mean, not about being there. I do hope I _will _see you soon. Like, actually see you, outside of work, that is. But tonight you should have fun. You all deserve it!"

"You're sure?"

"YES I'm sure!"

"And you're not mad?"

"And I'm not mad! Seriously. Enjoy yourself!"

"I really am sorry. I was looking forward to seeing you too, you know?!"

"Well, that _is _good to hear" she said with a clearly audible smile spread across her face.

_Ok Gail, at least you did that right!_

"Say hi to... well... Chris... maybe?"

_Shit. That stung a little. Just ignore it. Make a joke. _

"Oh, how about I say hi to Callaghan for you and give him your _very _best?!"

_Good one. That was good._

"Don't you dare! He will just find more work for me if you drop my name! You know, actually, could you just tell him I have left the country and am hiding out on a sandy beach somewhere far, far away?"

"Haha, will do! I _am _inconsolable though that you wouldn't take me with you!"

"Oh what with your busy schedule and all? If you're nice you can come next time."

"You are such a tease! Listen, I'm sorry, I really have to go. I'll see you soon?!"

"See you soon! Have fun!"

"Bye."

Holly was trying really hard to hide her disappointment, but now that she has hung up the phone, the expression on her face speaks volumes. It's not that she was begrudging Gail her night of celebration. She really was happy for her, for her friends and her colleagues and for those that were hurt, that things were finally looking up and everyone was finally able to catch a breath. They did deserve that. However, she couldn't help but think, if this were anyone else, anyone other than Gail, they maybe would have invited her to join the celebration. Maybe not as 'the new girlfriend' – not that she was anywhere near calling herself that anyway – but as 'a friend' at least. After all, she had been sitting in the same waiting room with everyone just a little over a week ago. And she knew most of them through work. Then again, if this were anyone other than Gail, she probably wouldn't even _want _to be there. She would probably be content just thinking 'well, another time then' and let it go. Ah, the vicious circle. She knew that she couldn't expect an invitation from Gail, she knew Gail wasn't there yet, not even remotely. And she did her best to be okay with it. _She deserves patience. She's worth it. _

Gail was somewhat surprised that she was actually having a good time. The alcohol was flowing and everyone was there. Well, everyone except Sam and Chloe obviously, the honorands, if you will. Dov and Andy crept out of the hospital woodworks, and even Oliver was there – under close scrutiny by Celery of course, sipping his water, but still, he was there. And everyone was enjoying themselves. Well, Nick maybe not so much, but that wasn't really her problem. You could see how everyone seemed a hundred pounds lighter all of a sudden, how everyone's mood had brightened up. Gail even hugged Andy. And she wasn't even that drunk yet at that point. And, to cap it all off, she went over to Nick, who spent most of the night hiding out in a corner, doing his best to avoid Andy, brought him a drink, and clinked her glass with his.

"I know you don't want to hear it, but it _will _get better. At some point, it won't hurt so much anymore."

Nick looked at her as if she had just told him she came from a galaxy far, far away and wanted to phone home. As she was walking away, he called after her.

"Where did that come from?"

"I don't know. Just take it."

She did know though. She would be lying if she said that whole Nick-Andy-situation no longer bothered her in the least. She did feel betrayed by Andy, and she probably would for a long time. But with everything that has been happening since then, _everything_, it kind of lost some importance. And yes, she had been second choice, and that hurt. But the more time went by, the more time she spent with Holly, she realized that Nick wasn't her first choice either. Or at least that he would no longer have been her first choice starting the day she met Holly.

God, she WAS falling in love with her, wasn't she? She certainly did miss her all those past days, whenever she wasn't around her, which was most of the time. She really wanted to see her. Smell her hair. Touch her soft skin, be touched by her. She wanted to feel her smooth lips on hers. And she wanted it now. _Fuck_. She really did.

It was going on 12 when she saw Traci shrug on her coat. People had already started to leave – either because they wanted to get back to the hospital, had an early shift tomorrow, or because they had already had more alcohol than they could handle. Or, of course, because their girlfriend told them they had to – Oliver was so whipped. It was kind of cute though. _Cute? What is happening to you?_ Gail jumped at the occasion and grabbed Traci. Apart from a couple of beers when they first got here, Traci hadn't been drinking, so she supposed she was driving.

"Hey! Trace! You're getting out of here?"

"Yeah, Dex is bringing Leo over first thing in the morning, so I'm just going to call it a night."

"So you're not taking my idiot brother with you then?"

Traci smiled and looked over to where Steve was standing in what seemed like one of those drunk-man-to-drunk-man-conversations with Henderson, one of the new detectives of Guns and Gangs.

"Nah, he's far too drunk to get into _my _pants tonight" she snickered.

"Gross, Traci! Don't you be putting images in my head!"

"What about you? Are you going to stay much longer?"

"Actually, I was wondering if you could give me a ride?"

"Of course. You good to go?"

"Yep, let's get out of here!"

They said their goodbyes and got into Traci's car.

"Listen, could you take me to Parliament Street?"

Traci grinned.

"So Holly lives in Cabbagetown? Kind of suits her."

"Hm." _So Traci knew. Ugh. Whatever. _

When they arrived on Parliament Street, Gail was giving Traci directions to Holly's house.

"Wow. This looks nice! Who knew that Gail Peck would be entering one of those bourgeois, suburban-ish 'nightmares', as you like to call them, willingly at some point?"

Gail shot her an offended but playful look and Traci couldn't contain her laughter.

"Well, you know, the things you do for..." _Do not finish this sentence!_ _Shit. Shit. Shit. _"Ah, you know, whatever. Thanks for the ride!"

Gail was about to escape from the awkwardness of Traci's car, when she was pulled back by.

"Listen, Gail. I know you like Holly. I am guessing she likes you too. But you are really drunk. Not unlike the other Peck at that party tonight, just saying. So you should... Don't do anything you might regret later, ok?"

Traci knew Gail. She saw the expression on her face. She knew Gail was horny, and she could only imagine what Gail was having in mind for the rest of the night. She also new drunk Gail. Drunk Gail lashed out even more easily when things weren't exactly going the way she wanted them to. She didn't really know Holly, apart from some work-related conversations and what Jerry had told her about her. One time he was actually suggesting that Traci make a few lesbian friends they could set her up with, because she was 'a real catch'. With the impression Holly made on her, though, she was pretty sure that Holly did not want what she supposed was going to be their first time to be with a completely wasted Gail. And if Holly rejected Gail, in her drunken determination and horniness, all hell might break loose. Ok, that might be a bit of an exaggeration. But Gail's reaction would surely be ten times worse than that of an average drunk person, who's drunkenness is pointed out and who is then also denied sex.

"Thanks for your concern, but I'm a big girl, Trace. Everything's cool."

Gail was out of the car and walking – some may actually call it the early stages of staggering – towards Holly's front door. Traci thought about waiting in the car for a bit, but she would have felt a little too stalkerish. The windows were lit up, so at least she was still awake. She took off before Holly got to the door.

"Gail!" Holly was grinning from ear to ear. She had been moping around the house all night, and seeing Gail at her door was about the last thing she had expected.

Gail didn't say anything. She just pushed Holly back inside the house, kicking the door shut with her boot. That's when Holly saw it. The dilated pupils, the pure desire in here eyes, the urgency in her movements. Holly was about to surrender herself completely, when she noticed something else. Gail's eyes were glazed, and seemed a little smaller than usual, her breath smelled of a mix of beer and tequila, and her movements were somewhat choppy and uncoordinated. Gail was clearly drunk. And not just a little.

Gail pushed Holly up against the wall. Holly knew she should resist, but everything happened so fast – and felt so good – that she was completely at Gail's mercy. Gail's hands cupped Holly's face and her lips were crashing onto hers. She kissed her forcefully, exploring Holly's mouth with her tongue. Gail may be drunk, and her kisses a little wetter than usual, but damn, she still knew what she was doing with her tongue. Holly couldn't help but moan. That of course only spurred Gail on even more. Her hands were moving down, quickly unbuttoning Holly's shirt. She stopped for a second to look down at her.

"Wow, that is a pretty great view!" She smiled slyly and connected her lips with Holly's again. This time her kisses were slower and even more passionate. Her hands were roaming around Holly's waist and stomach, until they brushed over Holly's bra, softly squeezing her breasts.

"God!" Holly gushed. Her breaths, like Gail's, have become labored. _It's now or never_.

She brought her hands up to Gail's chest and softly tried to push her away. But despite her drunken condition, Gail's reflexes were still quick. She grabbed Holly's wrists and pinned them against the wall. In best cop manner, she used her foot to part Holly's legs and stepped into her, grinding her hip against Holly's center while fervently kissing her neck, using some teeth every now and then.

"Fuck!" Holly was hardly able to contain herself.

With her last vestiges of self-control, she freed her wrists from Gail's grip and pushed her away a little more resolutely than before.

"Gail!"

"Am I doing something wrong? This is not even the hard part yet!"

Holly had to stifle a laugh at how incredibly cute Gail was in that moment.

"No! No, you're not doing anything wrong."

"Ok then!" Gail was eager to get back to what she was doing before, but Holly kept her Hand firmly placed on Gail's chest and held her at a distance. Gail was getting visibly irritated with the lack of kissing and fumbling.

"No Gail, we have to stop."

"Why?" Gail had no idea what was going on.

"Because if we don't stop now, I won't be able to stop anymore."

"So? That is kind of the point, you know?"

"You're drunk."

"Duh. They sell alcohol at the Penny."

Ok, clearly this was not going to be easy.

"Listen, we can't do this. Not now, not like this."

All of a sudden, Gail's face and demeanor did a complete 180. There it was again. The pain and the sadness, and the insecurity. Paired with anger that was slowly rising in Gail.

"So you don't want me?" Holly's heart broke. Gail seemed so small in that moment.

"No! I do want you! _Believe me _I do! You have no idea. Just not like this. Not when you're wasted like this."

"Oh, so I'm not good enough for you just because I had a couple drinks more than I should have? I don't live up to your sophisticated, suburban standards anymore?" Gail was getting worked up quickly. She was scanning the floor for her coat that she had shrugged of somewhere in the process.

"What? No! Where did that come from? I just want you to know what you're doing. I don't want you to regret this. _I _don't want to have to regret this when you wake up tomorrow without any recollection of what happened, or worse, total recall of things you wish you hadn't done!"

"Wow. Why is everyone so worried about me regretting anything? You know, you should ring up Traci, she seems to share your concern!"

She grabbed her jacket off the floor and stormed out, Holly's pleads showing no effect.

Holly poured herself some scotch and sat down at the kitchen counter. _How hypocritical. Complaining because Gail is drunk, and then getting out the good stuff as soon as she leaves. _She grabbed her phone and dialed Gail's number. As expected she was not picking up. Holly knew she did the right thing, but she still felt like she could have done better. She kept going over their whole exchange, trying to figure out at what point it went wrong, what she could have done, or said, differently. In Gail's state though, there probably was no way this could have gone better.

After about ten minutes, there was a tentative knock on the door. For the second time tonight, Holly finds Gail on the other side of it, leaning on the doorjamb.

Her had is hung low now, she barely dares to meet Holly's eyes.

"Hey" Holly says softly, smiling honestly. "I'm glad you came back."

Gail looks up, somewhat confused, almost in disbelief. "You are?"

Holly shakes her head, her smile growing wider. She knows Gail can't take any more scolding at this point. She just needs to feel welcome, feel safe. The rest will sort itself out. "Of course I am!" She takes Gail's hand and pulls her into the house.

Holly leaves Gail on one of the barstools while getting out a glass and filling it with water. "Here. Drink this." She sets the glass down in front of Gail, who compliantly drinks.

"I'm sorry. I know..."

"Gail. Don't. You can apologize tomorrow. Right now I just want to get you into bed."

Gail raised an eyebrow. "Uh, did I misinterpret something there?"

"To sleep!" Holly couldn't help but giggle.

"Oh. Alright then. Whatever you say, doctor."

After getting out of her clothes and into pajamas with Holly's help– and not without some suggestive commentary from Gail, of course – she fell into bed and was practically out like a light as soon as her head hit the pillow. Holly left a full glass of water on Gail's side of the bed – yes, Gail had only spent one night there so far, but to Holly, that was already her side of the bed – and crawled into bed herself. Gail's arms and legs were all over the place, and Holly thought that it was probably better not to hog her tonight. She placed a kiss on Gail's forehead before she reached over her to turn off the light. She placed her hand in Gail's, which a sleeping Gail responded to by gripping her hand tightly.

Even though the night hadn't gone as planned in more ways that just one, Holly was weirdly happy. Gail did want her, she did desire her. And she didn't run. Well, technically she did, but she came back. That was enough to be happy for now.


	6. Chapter 6

It was barely 7 when Holly woke up. She stretched out with a yawn and turned around to face Gail's side of the bed.

_Seriously Gail? Again?! Well, at least you left a note. _She thought as the turned towards Gail's side of the bed, just to find it empty except for a piece of paper on her pillow.

_Holly. I didn't want to wake you, I thought you could use a good night's sleep. _

_I'm downstairs roaming your bathroom for Aspirin and filling up on probably gallons of water. _

_x Gail_

Gail was sitting in one of the armchairs, wrapped in a blanket. The book she had started reading about a week ago was sitting in her lap and she was staring at one of the framed pictures from the mantelpiece she was holding in her hands.

"Hey, how are you feeling?"

"Holly!" Gail looked like she had just caught her robbing the place. "Why are you up? It's, like, super early!"

"I don't know, I guess I was getting cold without you up there. I see you found the Aspirin?" Holly sat down right next to her on the armrest and ran her fingers through Gail's hair, causing Gail to let out a content sigh.

"Sure did, though you hid it pretty well. I hope you're not upset I went through your things. It's just, my head was _killing _me!" Gail leaned her head on Holly's knees and gave her puppy-dog-eyes so she wouldn't stop playing with her hair. It was soothing.

Holly giggled. "Yeah, I can imagine! For how long have you been up?"

"Not too long, maybe half an hour? I tried to read..." she fumbles with the book in her lap "...but it's no fun when your head is throbbing, did you know that? The Aspirin is starting to kick in though. And I'm on, like, my fourth glass of water already!" She sounded like a proud kid, gloating as if it was some incredible accomplishment.

"Very good!" Holly couldn't help sounding like a complacent mother and was silently kicking herself for it. "What do you have there?" she said, pointing at the picture frame Gail had tried to hide between the armrest and her leg when Holly came down.

"Oh, it's... It's that picture of your grandparents. I know it's silly, and a little creepy probably, since I didn't know them. I just like looking at it. It gives me the feeling that life can actually be ok, if you're just a little lucky..." Gail looked down, slightly embarrassed that she was staring at a picture of strangers for the past 30 minutes.

Holly kissed the top of her head. "It's not silly. I feel the same way. I love looking at that picture, it always manages to make me happy. And incredibly sad at the same time, because they're no longer here. But mostly happy."

"So. About yesterday. I'm sorry. Gosh! 'I'm sorry.' How many times have I said that to you already? I shouldn't have to apologize this much. I'm an idiot! I'm sorry. Ugh! Again! Grrrr!" Holly couldn't contain her laughter. Gail was obviously not used to apologizing – although from what Holly has seen and heard so far, the way she behaves with her friends and colleagues, she cannot imagine it was for a lack of reasons. Holly leaves the armrest and moves over to straddle Gail, taking her face in her hands.

"You're doing just fine, Gail! Listen, I maybe could have handled the situation a little more gracefully. I don't know. I..."

"No, you couldn't have handled it more gracefully. I just shouldn't have showed up here like this. But hey, you and Traci can pat yourselves on the shoulders – you were spot on with that 'don't do something you might regret' talk."

Gail is chuckling, but notices something is off. Why is Holly looking so hurt all of a sudden? Why are her hands no longer on Gail's neck, softly caressing her skin? Is she moving to get up? What did you do? Say? Gail quickly went through what she said and grabbed Holly by the waist and pulled her back down onto her lap.

"No! No no! I just heard what I said. What I meant was. First, I would have regretted sleeping with you last night, because either, as you said, I wouldn't have remembered in the morning, or I would have just passed out or gotten sick during."

"Gee, thanks Gail, so you think sex with me would be either forgettable, super boring, or disgusting."

"You see! I'm an idiot! I can't even explain myself! You know what I meant!"

Holly did, of course, but she couldn't help teasing Gail a little. Neither could she however hide the smirk that was creeping up on her face and grew into a full-blown laugh, which earned her a smack on the arm.

"Yeah right, just make fun of me! Anyway, I'm not finished! Since I do have to apologize I want to do it right. I DO regret storming out and making a scene. Really. But that's just what I... well, I told you already. I am very happy you let me back in though. And I DO regret that I was so drunk last night. I really don't want you to think I only did what I did because I was drunk. I just couldn't get you out of my mind all evening, and I really wanted to see you, and the more I drank the more courageous I got, and the more determined – and a combination of all that is what made last night the disaster it was."

"Well, seeing as you are still here in the morning, I wouldn't say it was _that _much of a disaster, huh? I kind of had all those things you said figured out already, by the way" she said with a wink. "But I do appreciate your apology. And I like hearing that Jose Cuervo is not the only reason you were throwing me up against a wall." Holly just couldn't resist the tease, and was even happier with herself when she saw Gail blush and look down in embarrassment.

"So, the party at the Penny was good?"

"Uh, you know, it was just drinking with all the same lame guys as always..." Holly gave her the 'you can't fool me' look and raised eyebrow.

"It was good. Everyone just finally seemed happy for once, you know? Relieved. It was good. Well, Nick wasn't all too happy, obviously."

"Hm. Don't take this the wrong way, but I do kind of feel for him."

"You know, I never thought I would say this, but I do too."

"You do?" Holly had been bracing herself for a lash-out from Gail, so she was surprised to hear her voice her sympathy in such an honest manner.

"I know how it feels to be in his position. And he can't even really be mad, or he'll be the bad guy. Seeing as Sam just almost died, you know? Anyway. He'll get over it eventually. I did too, it seems."

Holly was tempted to inquire about Gail and Nick and how she really felt about it now, and, most importantly, what she thought made her get over it. _Don't be presumptuous, Holly! _But she knew she was treading a fine line here and decided not to push her luck. She did want to know one more thing though.

"So why did Traci tell you not to do anything you might regret?"

"Well, someone had to take me to your place last night. Traci hadn't been drinking."

Holly was grinning. Grinning, because apparently, Gail thought that was enough of an answer. And it actually was. But that grin was also a happy grin. The last time she was here, Gail had Chris pick her up. This time, she had Traci take her. She knew that Gail wasn't the kind of person to share with others willingly, but she shared at least a little bit of what was happening with them. Of course she had no idea how much they knew exactly, but it did feel good knowing that Gail wasn't keeping her under wraps as much as she thought she would. Or maybe she was just reading far too much into this? Getting ahead of herself?

"It's still early. Don't you want to go back to bed? Just for a little? It just feels wrong to be up at this ungodly hour on my day off."

"I would hardly call 7:30 an ungodly hour. But still, I like the way you think, doctor! I'm just going to grab another glass of water."

Gail was already under the covers, when Holly started closing the blinds of her bedroom windows. She flipped the light switch.

"Whooooaaaa! Holly! This is amazing!" Gail looked like an excited little kid on Christmas Morning.

"I know! Why do you think I have it here?" Holly got into bed, snuggling onto Gail.

They were laying there, flat on their backs, Holly's leg hooked over Gail's, their hands playfully caressing each other, staring at the starlit ceiling. Gail told Holly some stories from the night before, like the one where Oliver just kept talking about funny TV commercials for about 20 minutes – he was obviously going crazy at home –, how proud she was that she managed to be civil with Andy, that she realized how much she missed Noelle at the precinct. Of course, she also gloated about how her and her brother were the ones who had the most shots by far.

"Why am I not surprised?"

"Hey, I may have been pissed drunk last night, but I swear to you, you wouldn't even have been able to keep up! We're Pecks, we can drink! Ha, maybe I should let my mother know that that could be the new 'Peck thing to do'!"

Holly was just constantly giggling, or, at times, laughing out loud. She enjoyed this talkative version of Gail. Sure, when she first took her to her place they talked as well, but it was mostly Holly telling stories. This time it was Gail doing all the talking, sharing her stories from last night. Even if most of them had something to do with being drunk, it was her way of letting Holly in a little bit.

After about an hour Gail stopped telling stories. Holly wasn't sure if it was because she was simply out of stories to tell, or whether Gail's mind had taken her somewhere else. She didn't want to break the silence though. She waited for Gail to speak again, which only took a few minutes.

"Holly? How many girls have you tried to woo with these lights?"

"Do you really want to know the answer?"

"Probably not. But yes. Yes I do."

"None."

"Pfff! As if I am _ever _going to believe that! Come on, seriously! I promise I won't freak out. Well no, actually I can't promise that. Just tell me!"

"None. Seriously." Holly's voice was somewhat stoic now, almost as if she was embarrassed by her answer and just wanted to get that topic of conversation over with as quickly as possible.

"But, you're hot!" She let out a laugh. "Why, thank you, officer!"

Oh yes, she was hot! Gail didn't really know which feeling was stronger. The one of sheer bewilderment at the fact that Holly had not had a girl in her bedroom ever since she was living here, or the feeling of relief and uniqueness about being _the first_. Well. It was probably the second one.

Gail turned and laid down on top of Holly. Her voice was suddenly much deeper than before, more husky.

"So. My headache has vanished into thin air, I am not wasted and pretty sure I will neither pass out nor get sick, and I have about two more hours to spare before I have to get ready for work. What to you make of these assorted pieces of information?" Gail had placed one of her legs in between Holly's and was very slowly and carefully circling her hips.

Holly bit her lip and rolled her eyes, but tried hard to maintain a straight face. "I don't know. That Aspirin is a miracle worker, you can finally go back to reading that book and drive yourself to work later?"

"Or" she whispered, moving her mouth close to Holly's ear "we could do something a little more interactive this time? I do remember that this move arose quite some enthusiasm last night."

Gail thrust her hips into Holly with force and moved her tongue over Holly's neck, kissing and nibbling it in the process.

"Oh yes, yes it did! Fuck!" Holly was not expecting Gail to make another move so soon after last night, but it did not take her long to accommodate to this unexpected turn of events. It only took Gail teasingly circling her hips to get Holly worked up. And Gail noticed.

Holly took hold of Gail's head, moving the blonde's lips onto hers. They were kissing vigorously, their breathing getting heavier, their kisses wetter and ever more passionate. Their clothes were ripped of each other's bodies. Holly was sucking on Gail's neck, then Gail was sucking on hers, and their lips would meet again.

Gail moved her kisses down Holly's body. She was caressing her nipples with her mouth and her hands until they were hard, then moved further down to explore the sides of her stomach with her lips and tongue while softly sliding her hand up and down the inside of Holly's thighs. Holly was breathing heavily and sighing with pleasure, so Gail decided to move on. Her head hovered over Holly's center for a moment, before she looked up to the brunette.

_That's it. She's realizing what she was about to do. She's freaking out. She's going to back out. _

Holly just stared back at her with worry and fear. And then Gail smiled shyly and whispered "I like your tattoo", before lowering her head and moving her tongue along the inside of Holly's folds, before circling her clit. "Fucking hell... Gail... your tongue... is... amazing!" she panted. She came back up to face Holly and locked eyes with her. She was overflowing with desire and Gail knew she was close.

"Holly. I want to make you _come_." She stressed that last word by slipping two fingers into Holly, quickly increasing the pace of her thrusts, all the while rubbing Holly's clit with her thumb. It did not take long for Holly to convulse in a glorious, deafening orgasm. As she came, she heard Gail moan in unison and felt a gush of her wetness on her leg, which granted her another wave of pure pleasure, her fingernails digging deep into Gail's back.

Gail came to rest on top of Holly and waited for her to catch her breath before she kissed her hungrily. Holly moved her hand down along Gail's side and slowly, teasingly slid her hands through Gail's folds repeatedly, which made Gail suck in a breath and drop her head to Holly's shoulder, biting it gently. Holly thought she heard a few mumbled 'holy shits' and 'fucks'. She smiled. "Gail, you are so wet."

With that she rolled Gail over onto her back and was on top of her now, kissing, licking, caressing her whole body while leaving her hand to tease Gail's center. Gail expressed her approval, loud and clear. Holly was now kissing her way up the insides of Gail's thighs, hovering over her center for a few seconds, just to tease Gail. And she was getting impatient. "Holly. Please..." she begged.

Holly smirked and raised her eyebrows at Gail. "Holly!" She complied with her pleas this time and slowly, very slowly, moved her tongue through Gail's slippery, swollen folds until she reached her nub and was sucking, teasing, pleasing it with her mouth while she entered Gail with her fingers. She was thrusting into Gail, keeping time with her tongue, ever increasing her pace until Gail's walls closed in around her fingers and her hips and limbs were shaking uncontrollably as she climaxed, screaming Holly's name repeatedly.

The shaking subsided, but Holly sensed she could take her one step further. She kept her finger tightly hooked into Gail, stimulating her pleasure spot, while her mouth went back to working on her clit. Gail's moaning was back, getting louder and higher in pitch, and more frequent as she thrust her hips even more into Holly, trying to increase contact. Her hands were in Holly's hair, pulling almost to the point where it was painful, but Holly didn't care. It didn't take long until Gail rode out her second orgasm of the day.

Holly came back up to rest next to Gail. She was on her side, looking at the blonde catching her breath.

"Wow. Wow. Holly. That was... Wow. Seriously, no matter how drunk I was last night, I certainly would have remembered _that!_"

Holly was chuckling, happy about Gail's reaction. Not that she any reason to not be confident in her abilities. However, she's seen it before. The straight girl that feels attracted to a woman, and everything is great, until the clothes come off and she realizes that the other woman has the same junk as herself. And then that's that. Not Gail though. She really did enjoy every second of it, it seems. And so did Holly. Gail certainly new what she was doing down there. Maybe this wasn't her first time with a woman after all?

"So, Gail, do you really want me to believe that you have never done this before?"

"What do you mean?"

"Well, _this." _She was pointing her finger back and forth between the two of them.

"Sex? No, Holly, I was a virgin until just now. Duh?"

"No, I mean, with a woman. Was this your first time?"

Gail got shy suddenly, insecurity creeping up in her. Did she do something wrong? Was this Holly's way of telling her 'Hey, I know you tried, but let me give you a few pointers for next time'? She hated being new at something, being bad at something, being told what to do better or differently. And she'd hate knowing that Holly wasn't enjoying herself as much as she thought she was. She was making all the sounds and movements though. _Right, Gail, like you've never faked it._ Did she fake it?!

"Yes it was. Why?" Her answer was hesitant.

"Seriously? Well, then you are a natural! Honestly Gail, whatever it is you do with your _tongue_ – even when you're drunk, by the way – I actually have no words for that. Just wow. And your hips... Grrrr!"

Holly was smiling blissfully and a little lasciviously and kissed Gail's shoulder. Phew, so she wasn't faking it. And she _was _doing the right things and Holly was actually impressed. Gail couldn't help but smile proudly. She wrapped her arms around Holly and they laid there, staring back up into the stars, holding each other, kissing each other, until Gail reluctantly broke away from Holly to get ready for her shift.

...

_Ok. Be cool. Keep a straight face. BE COOL, PECK! _

She walked towards Traci's desk, putting on her best poker face.

"You wanted to see me?" Traci looked up and smiled, trying to read Gail's face, but she couldn't figure out how her night with Holly went.

"I have an assignment for you. Sit down." _Great!_ Assignments from the Ds were usually more fun than the everyday patrolling stuff. Not that she didn't like patrolling, it was just nice to shake things up every now and took a seat across from Traci and looked at her expectantly.

"So. How did last night go?"

"Um, I thought you had an assignment?"

"I do. First things first though." Traci said with a wink. That trickster!

"Well, seems like you and Holly could get along quite well. She basically repeated your 'don't do anything you might regret' speech." _Why so much information? Why couldn't you just have said 'fine'? Now she'll have more questions. Keep it together!_

"Oh, I'm sorry, Gail. Even though I kind of tried to tell you that disaster was bound to ensue if you went in all drunk and wanting to do what I think you were wanting to do." Traci's face was sympathetic, although she could not completely get rid of the motherly 'I told you so'-gloat.

"What did you think I wanted to do, Traci?" _Why did you ask her that? This would have been the perfect end to this uncomfortable conversation!_

"Come on, Gail, you know..."

"It's called sex, Traci. You're an adult, would you just grow a pair?! And just fyi, I wouldn't exactly call mind-blowing sex culminating in multiple orgasms a disaster." _Would you just fucking shut up already! _

Gail was kicking herself for just blathering everything out like that, but her face could not for the life of her stop blushing and grinning widely. She saw Traci's eyes and mouth wide open in shock, or maybe surprise. Or envy? _Oh yes, there certainly was a reason to envy THAT!_

"What?" Traci was shaking her head in disbelief. "Are you serious? I honestly didn't think that Holly would be letting you anywhere near getting into her pants with the shape you were in last night."

"Oh, last night _was _a disaster. Just a minor one though. You know, some fighting, some running away. The usual."

"Ok?" Traci looked confused now.

"But _this morning_..." There was that smile again. Gail couldn't stop it.

"Alright, alright. Just stop talking. I have a job to do here. We both do, actually. So. Your assignment. Victor Manning. He is a suspect in the armed robbery from a couple of days ago. Pick him up, would you?"

Gail eyed Traci in disbelief.

"Pick up a suspect? Are you kidding me? That's what you called me over for?"

Traci was grinning. "No, Gail. I called you over to hear how last night was going. I just needed a pretense to get you here."

"Well played, Nash. Just watch your back, you sleeky... witch!"

"You were going to say bitch, weren't you."

Gail just scrunched up her face and waved at Traci while strolling out of the detectives' office.

_So that's what you call cool, Gail? Really? What is happening to you? _What was happening to Gail? She wasn't the kind of person to share things with other people, especially not things as personal as _that. _And she didn't want to share whatever was going on between her and Holly in particular. Not because she was a girl. That was the least of her concerns. Just because she felt like the thing they had between them was special and she wanted to keep it that way. She wanted to hold on to it tightly and not let anyone interfere by sharing it, sharing her, with them. She didn't have a name for what she was feeling, she just knew that it was strong and it was different from how she felt in the past. However, leaving Traci's desk now, she felt good. It felt good to share. Even if this was technically just about sex, the mere fact that she was having this conversation with Traci said a lot more than just 'hey, I slept with a girl'. Anyway she couldn't have stopped her stupid mouth. She knew that Traci was one of the few people she could really trust. One of those people that sincerely only wanted the best for Gail and who knew exactly where she drew her lines. It felt good to share a little bit of Holly with her. It made it more real. It made it true.

G: _It seems I'm no longer in control of my facial muscles. I blame you for that._

H: _If I remember correctly, you were also no longer in control of a bunch of other muscles just a few hours ago. :P_

G: _Stop torturing me like that, you know very well that I am working, trying to keep Toronto's streets safe! What are you doing with your day off?_

H: _Right now? Finishing up an article for one of those sciency mags. _

G: _So you're basically working on your day off. How very nerdy of you!_

H: _Is it work if I'm already on my second glass of wine?_

G: _Pretty sure it's alcoholism if you're on your second glass of wine. It's, like, four in the afternoon!_

H: _Well I was taking a bath before and it just seemed like a good fit. Bath, wine, thoughts of you..._

G: _Again, torture! Careful or those thoughts of me will be the only thing you have left!_

H: _That would just be too cruel! How about you come over tonight instead?_

G: _I would, but I will be getting off quite late._

H: _I don't care._

H: _And btw, if you want me to stop teasing, you should watch your choice of words. _

G: _You have a dirty dirty mind, nerd! I'll see you tonight then! x_

H: _Can't wait. x_

Holly opened the door in a dark red, lacey night gown. Gail was swallowing hard, biting her lower lip, her eyes automatically panning down to the extremely low neckline. Oh yes, it was definitely worth it to wait up...


	7. Chapter 7

_**Author's note: **_**First of all, I want to apologize profusely for taking so very long with this update. I was very busy before, and on vacation after the holidays... I will be trying really hard to do better in the future! I hope you will still enjoy this chapter. Feedback is always greatly appreciated! Thanks for reading!**

**Btw, I hope you all had happy holidays and wish you a happy 2014!**

**. . .**

.

_I am storm cloud, but without a lightning bolt to help me see my way_

_I am a rain drop drop but without an earth below I am due to fall apart_

.

The following weeks went by in a heartbeat. Work was business as usual, just that their schedules did not always align the way they would have wanted them to. They tried to make the most of it though. Coffee breaks and lunch dates were back, as were quick – or longer – visits to the morgue. They certainly _did _make the most of at least one of those drop-bys. The thought of it sometimes it makes Gail blush, and earns her a scolding eyebrow from Holly whenever she catches her.

But they had also developed another routine. The one where Gail showed up at Holly's after shift or Holly would pick her up. She would cook for her, they had life-altering sex and then would lie there talking, staring at the stars, until they fell asleep in each others arms. Gail found out that poached eggs were, in fact, delicious, and that sitting on the sofa, sharing a blanket with Holly, gave her a strange feeling of home. She was on book number three from Holly's shelf now. _Blindness. _She had seen the movie but had not read the book yet, a fact that Holly was adamant that she changed.

Gail was spending most of her free time with Holly. She hardly slept at home, unless she came home from work very late and knew Holly had an early start the next day. Or on nights like today, when she was getting drunk with her friends and did not want Holly to put up with her drunk self. Other than that, Holly was always her first choice whenever she wasn't on duty. And she still wanted more. She actually missed her whenever she wasn't around. A sensation that surprised, scared, and delighted her in equal measure. It's not that she didn't enjoy hanging out with her friends. When he complained about not seeing her at all anymore – in a kind of joking and understanding, but also somewhat serious tone – she promised Chris that they would get together at least once a week at the Penny. And she did enjoy those get-togethers, mostly because of him and Traci, and an occasional drop-by from Oliver or Dov. She really had a good time with her friends. But she could not stop thinking about Holly.

_That's stupid and disgusting, Peck! Would you just pull yourself together? Don't become one of those needy, clingy women that have no other focus in life but their relationship! Relationship? Whatever this is you're having..._

"Hey little sis! Venturing a quick escape from Holly_wood_ tonight, ha?"

"Wow, how long did it take you to come up with that?"

"Not as long as you might think!" He grinned contentedly. "Anyway, Trace, I just wanted to check if we were still on for tomorrow? I'll pick you up at 6?"

"You bet we are." Traci pulled him down by his jacket to place a kiss on his lips.

"Ugh, just get a room!" Gail scrunched up her face, while everyone else burst out in laughter. Gail was actually happy that her brother and her best friend were dating. She was happy that Traci finally seemed able to move on, albeit slowly, and her brother was one of the good ones. He didn't push, but he didn't back down too much either. They were a good match. And everyone knew that Gail thought so, and that the disgusted and annoyed demeanor was mostly for show. Actually, Traci found it kind of endearing, she just took it as Gail's constant expression of approval.

"You know, Gail, I know you're new to this _business_. But if you ever need advice on how to properly date and spoil a woman, you come to me. I am sort of the dating wizard, you must know!" He winked and clicked his tongue provocatively.

"Thank you, but I think I'm doing just fine!" Gail narrowed her eyes, wanting to quickly put an end to the Holly part of the conversation. Wasn't it enough that the two of them knew? Did they have to keep talking about it?

"Fine. Suit yourself. I'll be over there with the grown-ups. Enjoy your night, ladies!"

Gail waved him off and turned to Traci. "Ugh! You know, he's always been this smug. I have now idea how you put up with that tool!" Traci nudged her with her elbow playfully and chuckled. "Come on, Gail, we both know you love him! Plus, he is right about being the dating wizard! The other day he took me to that super tiny authentic Italian place, _Federico's_, they had the most delicious food I have _ever _tasted! And after..."

"God, Traci, I _really _don't need to know what you did after! I imagine it was something dirty. Let's just leave it at that. Ah, drinks, finally!"

Chris was approaching their table, three beers in his hands. "Sorry it took so long, that stupid barkeeper kept ignoring me because I have no boobs..."

"Oh but you try so hard to come off as a girl, I cannot believe you weren't able to fool him." Gail quipped.

"Funny. Very funny. Just drink! So... What are we talking about?"

Before Traci could get a word in, Gail burst out "Hannibal! What a great show! Isn't it, Trace?"

"Oh my god, I know! I mean, Mads Mikkelsen as Hannibal?! Mind-blowing! And the whole atmosphere..."

Yep, Gail knew that was the perfect conversation starter. Chris will be turning this into a 30-minute-monologe, and Gail knows what he's going to say anyway. Which gives her time to think, because that is really what she needed.

She was acting all cool when Steve brought up dating advice, sure, but it had made her think. Was she really doing just fine? Have they even really been dating? I mean, no one took the other out for dinner or a movie or whatever else you do on a date. They had just been hanging out at Holly's. And come to think of it, it was actually Holly doing all the work. She cooked, she provided the alcohol, she kept the conversation going, she took the lead. Sure, half of the time it was Gail's initiative to come over, but that was it. Was Holly waiting for Gail to do something? Take her out? Cook for her? Would that take their... whatever they had... to some next level? And what level would that be? What level were they on now anyways? Why isn't Gail able to answer these questions?

"...and the casting is just brilliant. I mean, I never would have pictured Lawrence Fisburne in that role, but it just works so well!" Still in the middle of his monologue. Good.

"I gotta make a phone call, be right back." Chris was just nodding along while he kept lecturing Traci, who gave Gail the 'don't-leave-me-alone-with-_this _' look, about the brilliance of the casting.

"You have reached nerd central, what can I do for you?"

"Holly. Hey. How... What are you doing?"

"Hm. I've heard that before. Is this a booty call?"

"What? No! You know very well that it's friend-night, so you are denied my gorgeous self for tonight."

"How will I ever survive? Maybe we should say our goodbyes now, who knows if I'll still be here tomorrow?"

"Ha ha. Just let the memories of me keep you warm. So the reason I was calling... Actually this is kind of like the opposite of a booty call."

"Oh?" Holly's voice changed from light and teasing to scared and disappointed in an instant.

"Don't get me wrong, it's not that I didn't enjoy all the... the things we've been doing."

"But?" she enquired hesitantly.

"I don't cook."

Holly's confusion was complete now. She was expecting a freak-out from Gail, but about cooking?

"You don't cook?"

"No. I can make frozen pizza and I manage to make French toast, but other than that, I'm pretty much dependent on take-out and others cooking for me."

"Ok. So... I can help you... how?"

"You can't. Well, you could, probably, but that's not the point. The point is, you've been cooking for me all these past weeks, and you've been providing beer and wine and stuff, and you didn't get anything in return."

"Well I wouldn't say that, officer." The playfulness was back in Holly's voice. She felt that this was not going to be some uncomfortable call about what they are and quite frankly she enjoyed Gail's rambling.

"Well, if you put it that way... Anyway. I think I should reciprocate. On the food front that is. Plus, I think that it's time that we went on a _real _date, you know? Dinner, dresses, kiss goodnight, all that stupid stuff."

"Stupid stuff? How very romantic of you, Gail Peck."

"Hey, just ask my exes, this _is _me being romantic. Soooo, would you let me take you out to dinner tomorrow?"

"I'd love to."

"How do you like Italian?"

"You know how I practically it anything. But yes, Italian sounds lovely!"

"Ok then. 8 o'clock? I'll let you know where exactly."

"Great. I'm very much looking forward to it!"

"Good. So am I. I'll see you tomorrow!"

"See you tomorrow. Enjoy your friend-night!"

...

Holly had left work early. It was still a little over 4 hours until her date with Gail, but she wanted to take her time picking her outfit and getting ready. She wanted to be stunning. Plus, since she was practically unable to focus her attention on her work for more than 2 minutes straight, there was no point really in staying.

It's not that Holly was nervous. In her book, what they had been doing the past few weeks should already be considered dating. They had spent so much time together, they were so comfortable with each other, that she didn't need to feel nervous. Rather, she was excited and giddy. Gail had asked her out. _Gail_. She was the one taking initiative. And yes, maybe, in the strict, traditional sense of the word, this actually _was _their first date. So far, their interactions as a couple – or whatever they were – had been confined to Holly's place. Holly figured that it was easier for Gail that way. To stay in a safe bubble, at least for now, so that she had all the time in the world to come to terms with what was going on. Holly was afraid that if she forced Gail to leave that bubble, it would end with Gail being overwhelmed and running away. And Holly was ok with staying in the bubble for as long as Gail needed to. So of course she was pleasantly surprised when Gail suggested a dinner date. It was the first time they would be taking the romantic part of their relationship to a public place. The first time they really left the bubble. She was hoping that that was a good sign. So yes, she was excited and giddy. But as time passed by today, she did start getting somewhat nervous. Not for her, but for Gail. What if it was too soon after all? Yes, Gail asked her out last night. But what if she is already regretting it today? What if over the starters she realizes that she has taken on too much with that very public display and run?

Holly did find it conspicuous that she hadn't heard from Gail all day. She realized she still had to give her the details about the restaurant, so she decided to call her. Test the waters, if you will. Give her a chance to back out if she wanted to.

"Hi." _Hm. So far, so good. She picked up. But does she sound irritated?_

"Hello officer. How was your day?"

"Oh, you know. Work. Nothing special." _Clearly irritated. Or just tired? Or maybe stressed out and nervous? Definitely weird._

"Soooo. I'm calling about this thing tonight where you don't cook for me but I still get a delicious meal and your company. I've got a gorgeous outfit all picked out, but apart from that and the time, I am lacking some information here." Holly tried to make it sound as light and cheerful as possible.

"Oh yeah. Sorry. Listen, would you mind driving there yourself? I don't know if I'll have time to pick you up. Sorry." Gail sounded distracted. _Sad? Yeah, that seemed quite close! But why?_

"Sure, no problem. So where do I go?"

"It's this little Italian place called Federico's, it's..."

"Oh yes, I know where it is. I must say, excellent choice officer!" She said, making her broad smile heard even over the phone.

_Dating wizard indeed! Not too shabby, brother!_

"Good."

"Well, I will see you in a few hours then. I can't wait."

"Mhm. See you then." It was almost a whisper before Gail hung up.

...

It was 7.26 when Gail was walking towards her apartment door to answer the knock she'd heard.

"Holly?" Gail's look was one of utter confusion. Her eyebrows were raised and knitted together, her eyes darting up and down the doctor, her head shaking. She kind of reminded Holly of a nervous squirrel in that moment.

"I thought we were meeting at the restaurant?"

Holly scanned Gail from head to toe. Slowly. She wanted Gail to notice. Gail's hair was put up in a quite messy bun, some strands hanging down disorderly. She was not wearing any make-up, apart from her red lipstick, which she wore most of the time anyway. She was barefoot, wearing a loose, well-worn pair of jeans, and a dark grey hoodie, a can of beer in one hand, and her phone in the other.

"Gail. I may not be a cop, but I do notice things too, you know? You don't exactly look like someone who is about to leave for a date at one of the most romantic restaurants in town. You were not going to meet me at that restaurant, were you?"

Gail narrowed her eyes at first, trying to throw back some fierce Peck comment, but realized that there was no comeback this time around. She dropped her gaze and stared at the floor, shaking her head no. She was so ashamed of herself in that moment. It's not like she hadn't realized that what she was about to do was terrible and really low, even for her. But now that Holly was standing in front of her, calling her out, she felt a thousand times worse. It took all the self-control she had to hold back her tears.

"So were you just going to stand me up at the restaurant?" Holly's voice was calm, soft even. Yes, there also was a slight hint of anger, but who could blame her for that? Considering the situation she was practically being little miss sunshine.

Gail lifted her head, but didn't dare to meet Holly's eyes with hers.

"I was just on the, like, 12th attempt to send you a text." She held out her phone toward Holly. "It say's 'Holly'" Holly had to suppress a laugh. This whole situation just seemed so absurd. "Yeah, well, that was the only part I was able to settle on." Now Holly couldn't help but snigger. Gail's head shot up, her eyes piercing Holly's. The confused squirrel was back.

_Why was Holly laughing? Why is she still smiling at me? Shouldn't she be furious? _

"Listen, Holly, I'm really..." For the first time since she opened the door, she actually takes in Holly. "Wait a minute! You don't really look like you're dressed for a date either! So what? _You_ actually came here to tell _me_ that our date was off? And now you're placing the blame on me?"

It was either fight or flight. Up until a few seconds ago, it was flight. Well, it was rather grovel and beg for forgiveness. But this time around, fighting was the easier option. Why be all conscience-stricken and apologetic if you can throw around accusations? She gave her an expectant and accusatory look. Holly just smiled.

"Gail. You know very well that that is not true. You are just trying to turn the tables on me so you can stop feeling guilty. I know it, you know it, so just stop it, please."

_Back to flight it is. _Gail knew she was right. She had known all along of course.

"I realized that something was off before, on the phone. So I thought there was no point in getting all dressed up if you weren't going to show anyway."

"Wow. Because you just know me _so _well. Look, Holly, I can't do this. I thought I could, but it turns out I can't. I'm sorry you came all the way down here. But this isn't working for me."

"Gail..." Her voice was still soft. _Damn it, how does she do that? _

"No. Holly. You should go." She nodded, as if to reassure herself that that was the right thing to say, and closed the door, leaving Holly standing alone in the hallway.

Gail downed the rest of her beer, took another one out of the fridge, and fell onto the sofa, burying her head in one of the pillows.

"What the fuck, Gail?! You are so pathetic!"

She was furious with herself. Why did she do that? Why does she keep sabotaging herself? It's not like Holly pressured her into going out on a date, it was her idea. Was the thought of sitting in a nice restaurant, enjoying some nice food and Holly's company, really so bad? She always felt comfortable with Holly. They always had things to talk about, and if they didn't, the silence that fell between them was one of mutual understanding, it wasn't uncomfortable, not waiting to be filled. So she fucked that up. But Holly came all the way here, and knocked on her door – a move that Gail never would have even considered taking, she would have been far to proud -, not to scold her or tell her off, at least so it seemed, but to give her another chance at making this right. Holly was calm. She seemed understanding, as always. She practically handed her a get out of jail free card, and Gail just took it and ripped it up into pieces. Who does that? How can anyone be so fucked up?

Gail realized that at some point she must have started crying, as she was sobbing into her pillow now.

Seriously? What was she? A saint? Yes. Yes, she was. She definitely didn't deserve to be treated like this. And Gail did it over and over again. She didn't deserve her. And Holly deserved better.

Gail wanted to be better. She wanted to stop running. She wanted to just let herself feel whatever it was she felt. _Love? Certainly something close to it. _She wanted to let herself be happy. Make Holly happy. She wanted to run out of her apartment and chase Holly down and kiss her, hold her, be everything she wanted to be but thought she couldn't be.

Instead, she sat there. Chained to the sofa. Locked up in her fortress in the dark.

A few beers and a lot of sobbing later, Gail finally managed to fall asleep on the couch. She was woken up the next morning by the beep of her phone.

.

_Gail, You are being a cat. There is no need to rush up that tree just yet. Check it out before you climb it. You have all the time in the world. The tree is not going to go anywhere. x H_

_._

Great. Another reminder of how incredible Holly was. Another reminder of how undeserving Gail was of her. And more tears streaming down her face.

She heard the key turn, the door falling into the lock. Footsteps, approaching the living room. Chris was standing in front of her, his smile quickly turning into a worried frown as he saw Gail, all puffy-eyed, tears running down her cheeks, surrounded by empty cans of beer.

"Gail, what is wrong?" He approached the sofa, but before he got to her, Gail jumped up, putting more distance between the two. For a second she thought about lounging into his arms, crying on his shoulder, in the caring embrace of her friend. No. She didn't deserve that kind of sympathy. Really though, she just couldn't break down her own walls.

"Nothing. Just let it go, Chris." She managed to utter before running off, locking herself in her room. She had taken the day off, in anticipation of spending the night of their date at Holly's and hoping to have the next day to spend on the sofa with her, which had become her favorite pastime. It was going to be a long, long day.


	8. Chapter 8

**_Author's Note:_ I know some of you guys are getting somewhat impatient about getting to the letter. And while I can assure you that I have _not_ forgotten about it, I have to call upon your patience once more. ;) I guess this is a 'the journey is the destination' kind of story... The plan has always been to go back to the beginnings of their journey after the initial exposition, and to revisit the letter when the time comes. I think their back story is important, and I wanted to show it in some more detail instead of just brushing over it. I will admit thought, that the back story wasn't intended to take over all that much space, but it just happened to turn out this way in the process of writing - following the much appreciated advice by one guest reviewer who suggested to 'go with wherever the muse takes you' (whoever you are, thanks for that :)!).**

**So, that being said, I hope you enjoy the new chapter and am looking forward to your feedback!**

_..._

_I'm sorry _

_Two words I always think after you've gone _

_When I realize I was acting all wrong_

_So selfish _

_Two words that could describe actions of mine_

_..._

It had been three days since their intended date. Holly hadn't heard from Gail since. And apart from sending that one text message, she didn't contact her either. She decided it was best to give her the space and time to figure things out on her own, without Holly continuing to give her free passes, leading the way or putting any kind of pressure on her. It's not like she got frustrated with Gail. Not that it was easy with her, either, but Holly didn't want to push anymore. For Gail's sake, but also for her own. What if Gail really wasn't that much into her after all? What if she was indeed making a fool of herself?

No. She did have the feeling that Gail was genuinely into her. But was that enough? Maybe this whole dating a girl thing was really too much for Gail. She didn't want to push – but she knew she would wait, could wait. She really meant it when she told Gail that she deserved patience. In the short time she had known her, Gail became really special to her. She hadn't felt like that in a really, really long time, if ever. She was the first person in a long time that Holly wanted to wake up to, that she wanted to tell about every minute detail of her day, that she wanted to share things with, that she wanted a relationship with. Things that over the past years she thought she was unable to experience. And now they were all there. They hit her like a sledge hammer, they cracked her open and unleashed all the emotions she had kept to herself for so long. So yes. She would wait. She would be patient.

_When you know you know. And you do whatever needs to be done. _

Holly was in her lab, bent over some bone fragments, when she noticed a silhouette at the door. She looked up, leaning on the autopsy table with her hands, raising her eyebrows.

Gail looked helpless, standing there, hands buried deep in her pockets. Holly didn't say anything. _Just let her figure it out_. They were just staring at each other. After what seemed like an eternity, Gail threw her hands up in the air in surrender.

"Meow?" It was rather a question than a statement. Holly knew that it meant 'Have I fucked up completely? Do I get another chance? Should I just turn around and leave?'.

Holly let out a laugh. She pulled off her gloves and rounded the autopsy table, moving closer to Gail, leaning her back on the other side of it. She crossed her arms in front of her chest, tilted her head to the side, and gave her her signature lopsided smile.

"I don't know how you do it, Holly. How can you stand there and smile at me when I've been nothing but difficult and horrible and have treated you like... like you shouldn't be treating anyone you... care about? I don't deserve that. I don't deserve you."

Holly was still silent. She knew there was more to come and she did not want to take the lead. She wanted Gail to say whatever she thought she needed to say.

Gail huffed and scanned the floor, looking for words to magically appear.

"Look, Holly, for what it's worth, I am really sorry about the other night. I really wanted to take you out on a nice, proper date. I really really did. But then I just freaked out and the desire to run took over. It's not because you're a girl, just so we're clear. I don't even really know why I freaked out. " She fidgeted with her hands.

"Actually, that's a lie. I really like you Holly. I like you so much that I actually care about your day and want to tell you about mine. I feel much more like myself when you're around. And I care whether you're happy or not. And I would like to play a part in you being happy. I know we haven't known each other for long, but I also know that you know that I usually don't care like that. And that scared me. It scared the shit out of me." Her eyes had been darting across the room, carefully avoiding Holly's. But now she was searching for them, holding Holly's gaze.

"I really like your tree, Holly. The thing is just, I know I will fuck it up eventually. Because, as I have told you, this is what I do. And I would really love to be able to tell you that I won't do it anymore, but that would be a lie. And that's just not fair. I know you said you'd be patient. And I am amazed at how patient you have been with me already. But I know this game. Your patience is going to run out eventually. Probably rather soon. And it should. You deserve someone who is making you happy every minute of every day. And that's not me. I'll just make you miserable. It's what I always do."

_Phew. You made it. It doesn't make you less of an asshole, but you were honest with her at least. Now she can just let it go._

"So." Gail waved awkwardly and turned to leave Holly's lab.

"Gail? Where do you thing you're going?"

"Some place that serves alcohol, probably." Holly giggled and shook her head.

"No. You are staying right here. It's my turn to talk now. Actually, you know what? You can go. But I'm coming with you."

Holly led Gail out. They stopped by the coffee cart and were now walking through the small park that was right across from the morgue. After a few minutes, Holly broke the silence. She knew there were a few things she needed to tell Gail, that she needed Gail to hear. She was, however, afraid that they might be a little too much for her.

"I don't know why you are putting so much pressure on yourself. I _never_ expected you to take me out to a fancy dinner, or do any of those other traditional dating things. So we have our own way of dating. Doesn't mean it's any less _proper_. You know? I'm not going to lie to you Gail, _of course_ I would like to do all those other things too at some point, the romantic dinners, nights at the movies, all that stuff, outside of our bubble. But we will get there when we get there. There is no rush. I can imagine that the situation is difficult and confusing for you as it is, so why complicate it any further?"

She looked over at Gail, who had been walking next to her with her head bowed down. She waited for the blonde to meet her gaze, looking for some sign of comprehension. She wanted to make sure Gail heard what she said before she continued. After a little while, Gail gave her the hint of a nod, which was enough for Holly.

"I really like you too, Gail. I like nice and easy-going Gail, warm and caring Gail, romantic and vulnerable Gail. I like the quiet and peaceful Gail that you sometimes let take over when you think no one is watching. Granted, all those sides of you don't come out to play all that often – but when they do, they amaze me all the more. And believe it or not, I also really like your sarcasm and your snark and your I-don't-give-a-crap-attitude. I actually like difficult Gail. I find her charming, to be honest. Even though we both know that often she is just a front you hide behind – which is ok – occasionally you are just genuinely difficult. Call me smug, but I like to think that I get to see more of the nice and soft version of Gail than others do, and I also believe that I can handle difficult Gail quite well. That is why I keep smiling at you whenever you're around. Because even if it's hard for you to believe, you do make me happy, Gail. Would it save me quite some worries and heartaches if you wouldn't let difficult Gail take over quite so often? Yes. But you're a package deal." Holly smiled reassuringly.

"I meant it when I said you deserved patience, and that I would be here. Yes, I won't wait forever. I can't. But for now, I'm pretty comfortable where I am and I don't intend to go anywhere anytime soon. As long as I know that you're trying – and I know you really are – I will be here. I promise. Just... Don't be your own worst enemy, Gail."

She had hit the nail on the head. She could tell by the tears silently rolling down Gail's face. She hadn't intended to make her cry, but she couldn't help feeling some relief at seeing her emotional reaction. She had heard her. She took it in. Holly could see the constant struggle going on inside of Gail. She could see it in the sadness, the determination, the hope in Gail's eyes. In the way she clenched her fist and her jaw. In the way she had kept her head down, punishing herself, demeaning herself, but at the same time always kept track of Holly, always stayed close to her. So close that they were nearly touching. So close that they could feel each other's warmth.

"Let's sit. I want to tell you something." They sat down on a bench at the far end of the park, looking over a small pond.

"When I decided to go to Vancouver to attend med school, my college boyfriend broke up with me. He said he didn't believe in long distance and if I really loved him I would have stayed in Toronto. I guess he had a point. Shortly after I started med school, I started dating one of my tutors. He was a good guy. Handsome, funny, popular, but not a show-off. He was nice. Nice. That's how I would have described our relationship. He got pretty serious rather quickly, and I started feeling suffocated and bored at the same time. After about a year and a half, I started cheating on him. It was a meaningless one-night-stand at first. Then I had my first time with a girl. And it just blew my mind. So I kept... experimenting. With that girl, with other girls. I got less and less careful about hiding it, so one day, he found out about it and broke up with me. I did feel bad about hurting him, but mostly, I was relieved. I basically spent the next ten years doing that. Jumping from one short-lived relationship to another. Sometimes they were merely one- or two-night-stands, sometimes they lasted for a few months. But at some point it always got too much for me and I moved on to the next one. I guess that I was pretty much the very definition of a slut. I hurt a lot of people. I never cheated on anyone else, I thought that I owed myself at least that little amount of self-respect. But I avoided commitment, I didn't make promises, I always kept a safe distance, didn't get attached. Maybe I always chose girls I knew I wouldn't get attached to to begin with."

Holly took a deep breath. She had no idea whether telling Gail this was a good idea or maybe the worst thing to do. She tried reading Gail's face, but she couldn't figure out what was going on in the blonde's head. She went back to staring out at the pond.

"Then my grandparents died. As we sorted through their things, I came across this picture of them that you like so much. I realized that that was what I wanted and that the way I had been living my life up until then surely wasn't going to get me there. So when I moved into the house, I made a cut. I realized I hadn't been happy all those years, I was making myself miserable. Sure, I was always satisfied, I always had _someone_. But I never had a _someone _someone. I was never truly happy and content. At first I thought 'don't be silly Holly, you can't change who you are'. But then I realized that the thing I had to change wasn't who I was, but what I was doing. There is a difference. I did go on dates since then, but they never went further than a peck on the cheek. Don't get me wrong, it's not like I spent the last year running around, desperately looking for _the one_. But I told myself that if I wasn't able to at least picture myself with that other person sitting there in silence, each in their own world, but still closely connected, marveling at that person even after years or maybe decades, I shouldn't be wasting my and their time and energy on something that could never be going anywhere. That approach may not have gotten me laid for about a year, but oddly enough, I did find contentment. And personal growth. So, that is why nobody has seen the lights."

Holly had to suppress a giggle at the accidental double entendre.

"Except you."

She noticed how the corners of Gail's lips were curling upwards in a cautious smile. _I saw the lights alright._ She wasn't sure whether she should continue, but decided to push through, now that they had made it this far.

"My grandfather used to say 'When you know you know. And you do whatever needs to be done'. I guess he can't have been so wrong. It got him almost 70 years with the woman he loved."

They sat in silence for about 5 minutes. Holly could tell that Gail's brain was working overtime, trying to process all the things she had just heard. She was just hoping that the processing didn't lead to panicking. She knew she was loading quite a lot onto Gail. Her promiscuous past and her cheating, which in itself would be enough for a freak-out. And then the love confession in disguise. She wasn't sure if Gail could handle knowing how much she meant to her. Holly was getting nervous. Maybe she just shouldn't have said anything.

Gail, who had been sitting stone-still, staring out at the water all this time, suddenly moved. She slid closer to Holly, resting her head on her shoulder, taking Holly's hand and intertwining their fingers, while her other hand was wrapped around Holly's arm, pulling her close.

Holly released a relieved breath. She rested her head on Gail's and squeezed her hand. It took another 5 minutes for Gail to speak. It was a whisper at first.

"Thank you. For telling me all this."

Holly didn't really know how to respond. 'You're welcome' seemed somewhat odd in this situation. She kissed the top of Gail's head and felt Gail smiling on her shoulder.

"So. We are dating?" Gail asked cautiously.

"I don't know, you can call it whatever you want, Gail. I would call it dating."

"So we are dating."

"Ok." Holly couldn't help but smile at the cuteness that was the lump of Gail, clinging to her arm as if she was about to run off.

"I really am trying to be better. To change... to change what I do."

"I know you are, Gail. But that's the thing. You don't need to be better. You're pretty great as it is. You just need to open your eyes and see that."

"You make it sound so easy." Again, Gail was fighting with the tears that were gathering in her eyes.

"Well, from where I'm standing it seems easy. In fact, it seems to defy any explanation as to how you could see anything else. But I know it's not that easy. I know it takes time."

Gail sat up and met Holly's gaze for the first time since they went out for a walk.

"Holly? Would you come to the Penny with me tonight? Please?"

Holly gave her that warm smile that contained no malice at all, just honest and pure affection.

"I would. But do you really think it's a good idea? You know, you don't need to prove anything, right?"

"I know. It's actually just going to be Traci and my brother tonight, so we'll start small. I just really would like you to meet. Properly, I mean."

Gail knew for a fact that it was just going to be the two of them. Andy and Chris were on duty tonight, Dov was at home nursing a still recovering Chloe, Oliver had his Girls, and Nick was gone on another undercover gig. She didn't really care what the others thought about her and Holly, anyway she wasn't going to suddenly indulge in PDA, but if she was going to start sharing Holly with the people in her life, she would start with the few ones that she really trusted. She was still going to be uncomfortable of course, she was still Gail after all, but she knew she would be alright.

"Of course, I will be there."

"I'll pick you up. 7 ok?"

"Sure. If you do change your mind, I won't be upset. Just let me know ok?" She winked at Gail. She really meant it. Of course she wouldn't be delighted about that turn of events, but she would be understanding, she would be patient. She thought the best way to deal with Gail's panic and insecurities was to show her that she could really trust Holly, that she could count on her. That showing weakness, or not being ready for certain things, or screwing up at times was ok. That it didn't mean that she was going to be there any less.

"I won't. Change my mind that is." Gail squeezed Holly's hand and pressed a kiss to her cheek.

They sat there for a little while longer, mostly in silence, taking in the scenery, until Holly had to get back to work.


	9. Chapter 9

_All the soldiers say _

_"It'll be alright, _

_We may make it through the war _

_If we make it through the night." _

...

Gail did pick Holly up at seven. Everything went according to plan. The closer they got to the Penny though, the more Holly could feel Gail tense up. The first indication was the insane amount of smalltalk Gail indulged in on the drive there. Gail was definitely not a smalltalk person. But they had already covered the weather, the illogicality of the traffic light system (Gail had to stop at _every single_ traffic light), the pros and cons of Thai vs. Indian curry, and the question whether combining beer with tequila or whiskey really made a worse hangover than just sticking to one sort of drink. It was quite the opposite of their usual, quiet car-rides. The second indication was Gail's fidgeting. Whether she was drumming her fingers on the steering wheel to the rhythm of her constant talking, or tapping her foot, or running her hands through her hair, she was obviously anxious and restless. Then, when they finally reached the parking lot at the Penny, Gail suddenly fell completely silent. She parked the car and released a deep breath before getting out and walking towards the entrance, Holly walking about two steps behind her. She noticed how Gail was tied up in knots, her shoulders hunched, taking deep breaths as if doing one of those breathing exercises they teach pregnant women.

Holly grabbed Gail's wrist softly, making her stop and turn around. She cocked her head so as to catch Gail's gaze.

"Gail. You don't have to do this. We can still go home. Or I can go home. I don't want you to start hyperventilating or anything."

_Oh God, that smile..._

"No. No, I want to do this. I really do. I'm just afraid of what you will think. And of what they will think."

Holly couldn't help but feel a little hurt at that last comment.

"What they will think about me? Or about _us_? What do you mean?"

Gail was surprised that her statement could be misunderstood by Holly.

"No." she said, shaking her head in disbelief. "I usually don't admit it, but my friends, especially Traci and some very few others, are actually good people. I'm sure you'll like them. And you are just great and amazing, so obviously, they are going to _love_ you. And to be honest, I really don't care all too much what they think about _us_, but I know that Steve and Traci are all _happy _about it." She scrunched up her face and rolled her eyes at the 'happy' part.

"I'm afraid what you will think about me. And what _they_ will think about me. You know... with them I'm not usually as... relaxed and easy-going as I am with you."

Holly couldn't help but cock an eyebrow and snort sarcastically, but Gail chose to ignore it.

"And I'm kind of afraid of you seeing more of that sarcastic bitch side of me and dreading it. _Or. They _could see the nice and happy side of me that comes out with you and think I've gone soft, and they will expect me to act all girly and talk about my feelings in the future. Yuck! Plus, I am really not very much into PDA, I never have been, and I don't want you to think that that's because of you. Also, I will probably drink a lot because I _am _a little nervous, and..."

Gail was starting to ramble. And as cute as that was, Holly needed to make her stop obsessing about it. She pulled her into a hug.

"Shhhh. Shut up. I already told you, I find that sarcastic bitch kind of charming, and I _really _wouldn't worry too much about disclosing too much of 'easy-going and happy' Gail."

She released her from the embrace and gave her her signature smile. She once more took Gail's hand and placed a kiss on the back of it.

"Nothing will go wrong. Everything's going to be fine. Let's just have a nice evening."

She let go of her hand and took a step back, pointedly giving Gail more space. Gail nodded.

"Ok. Thank you." She turned around and they kept walking towards the entrance.

They first made a stop at the bar to have a shot and each got a beer before joining Steve and Traci at their table.

"Steve, Traci, this is Holly, Holly, this is my brother Steve, and Traci, my frie.. his girlfriend."

Gail waved her hands back and forth awkwardly between Holly and the other two while making the introductions. Given that both Steve and Traci had met Holly through work, and Gail had even introduced Steve and Holly before, and adding Gail's nervous fidgeting, the whole situation had a comical side to it. The three 'strangers' exchanged smirks, while Gail buried her hands in her pockets.

"Hey, nice to... see you again." Holly broke the short silence.

"Yes, you too!"

"I'm glad that _finally _my selfish sister has decided to share you with us, I was beginning to think she was going to keep you all to herself forever!"

"Har har. Very funny!" Gail was still far from relaxed.

"How about some shots? Since I'm the new kid, the round's on me – I hear that's the polite thing to do..." Holly offered with a smirk. She wasn't particularly craving more shots, but she thought that Gail could use some Mexican support.

Steve gave her an approving thumbs-up and Holly left for the bar while Gail finally took a seat.

"What are you so nervous about? It's not like we're your parents! And you do realized we have all talked to Holly before right?" Traci was trying hard to suppress her grin. It was kind of fun to see Gail squirm like that.

"I don't know. I know I don't need to worry about her, she's great with people. And you are... well... the most bearable of my friends. But still, it's weird. I don't know. Don't you think it's weird?"

Gail was starting to ramble again, much to Steve and Traci's amusement, but was saved by Holly who put down 8 shots of tequila.

"Two rounds! She's a keeper!" Steve said, winking at Gail, who just stuck out her tongue in return.

They clinked their glasses and downed the first shot. The conversation was soon flowing and even Gail slowly but surely eased up. While Traci and Gail were making fun of weirdly dressed people at the Penny, Steve and Holly talked about the newest sports results. She then wanted to know all about Traci's son, whom Traci was always delighted to talk about, while Steve caught Gail up on the latest news of their parents. After a while the conversation turned to work. They talked about Holly's colleagues, the ones that were a pain in the ass to work with (from both Holly's and the cops' points of view) and those that were in fact alright (which were surprisingly little, according to Holly, which astonished Gail – Holly the misanthrope? That was a new side of her!). They then passed on to the people from 15th. Gail was happy to hear that Holly found McNally and Epstein 'somewhat overeager' – which was the polite way of saying they were slightly annoying – and exchanged knowing smiles with the rest of their group. After all they all knew what Holly meant by it. She said she liked working with Swarek. He was a bit unconventional at times and – like everyone – wanted quick answers, but he respected the process of getting there, as opposed to Callaghan, who was extremely pushy and would rather get half-truths now than proven facts later.

"So, who's your favorite from our division?" Steve asked, giving her his best puppy dog eyes, earning a laugh from Traci.

Gail noticed how Holly flinched for just a split second, her face getting all serious, her eyes quickly darting over to Traci in a pained look. Gail put her hand on Holly's leg, caressing it under the table. She knew the honest answer would be Jerry. Well, obviously, Gail was her favorite now, but since she wasn't a detective, she technically didn't really work _with _her – the officers were only sent over at times to watch the evidence and report any news back to the station without delay. Holly recovered herself quickly however and smirked.

"Well, _obviously_, I have to go with Peck!" Just as Steve was about to throw his arms up in the air in a gesture of victory he winked at him and added "_Officer _Peck, _Detective_!" The whole table burst out in laughter and even Gail chimed in after rolling her eyes first.

"What do you think about one last round? Shots and beer?" Everyone nodded, so Traci got up to head towards the bar. "Holly, you want to help me with the drinks? We should give these two a moment to thrash out the eternal sibling rivalry."

"Sure." _Shit. _Gail wasn't the only one to catch Holly's quick Jerry flashback.

The two women were standing at the now crowded bar, waiting to get the barkeeper's attention.

"He liked you a lot, you know?"

"Hm?"

"Jerry."

"Oh. Yeah, so did I. I'm really sorry about before, I didn't mean to... I'm sorry."

"It's ok. Don't worry about it. Actually, it is kind of comforting to know that others think about him in these small, seemingly inconspicuous moments, too. To see the effect he had on people. I sometimes feel like people look at me and think I've moved on way to soon. Like I just forgot all about him the moment Steve walked into my life. But I didn't. I think about him. All the time. But I can't bring him back, no matter how much I think about him and remember him. And Steve is a great guy. He really is."

"Hey. You shouldn't worry about what others think too much. You are here. You still have a life to live. So live it to the fullest. I don't think it's really my place to say this, but he _really really _loved you. The way he talked about you... He wanted nothing more than for you to be happy."

"I know. You know he was asking me whether I knew any lesbians to set you up with?"

"What?" Holly giggled.

"Yeah! But they had to be 'really gorgeous and uniquely awesome'. That's what he said. Had I known Gail could be persuaded this easily by you..." They were both laughing now. Suddenly Traci got all serious again.

"You know, I am fully aware that this will sound very very weird, and I hope you don't judge me for it. But I couldn't help but think... With your history with Jerry, Gail's history with him, him trying to set you up, me dating Gail's brother now and Gail dating you... everything... it kind of feels like things have... I don't know... come full circle? Do you know what I mean? Is it weird to think that?"

Holly was smiling warmly now. "I do know what you mean. I don't really know if it's weird though, I think I'm too drunk to make that kind of decision right now."

"Haha... Well, good to know. Listen. Holly. I know _difficult _doesn't even begin to describe the way Gail can be at times. But she also is _uniquely awesome_. She will run, and she will probably also shoot you down at times. And I suppose you have already been on the receiving end of that. But she really does like you. And she really is much happier and at peace since you came into her life. She may forget to remember or realize that at times. But you should remember. I know it's a lot to ask, but..."

"Traci" Holly put her hand on Traci's arm, stopping her. "I don't intend to be going anywhere. And I hope you know that you are very important to Gail too. And that you remember _that _for her when the time comes."

"I'll always have her back."

They clinked their beers and headed back to the table with the rest of the drinks.

"Finallyyyy! We were already thinking about filing a missing persons report!" Gail exclaimed.

"You mean a missing tequila report?" Holly retorted.

"No. I meant missing _person_!" She pulled Holly down to the seat next to her and pressed a kiss onto her cheek, lingering for a little longer than she had intended, breathing Holly in. Steve and Traci smiled at each other knowingly.

...

Holly hadn't heard Gail coming down the stairs. The blonde decided to stay there for a moment, on the last step, and take in the sight of Holly who was just cutting up fruits for breakfast. She was wearing dark blue shorts and a faded yellow t-shirt that was slightly see-through. Gail loved the way her shoulder blades were showing underneath the shirt, the way she knew how it would feel to touch her butt that the shorts swirled around. Her hair was high up in a careless bun, exposing the spot on her neck that Gail loved to kiss. She was mesmerized by the careful, deliberate way in which Holly moved her hands, and by the way different muscles flexed in her forearm while doing so.

God, Gail could just get lost in Holly. She could stand there watching her, thinking about her, picturing her, for hours and days on end.

Holly turned around. God, those eyes. The way she looked at her, always with such genuine care and affection, at other times with lust and desire, sometimes with melancholy or bewilderment. But always genuine.

And this smile. The smile that always melted her. That she often found confusing, because she just could not fathom how Holly could smile at her instead of shouting or taking off. The smile that could express and accomplish so many things.

"How long have you been standing there watching me?"

"Not long enough."

Gail smiled back at her. With her smile that was only reserved for Holly. The one that wasn't sarcastic or false, that wasn't smiled out of politeness or self-consciousness. The smile that was honest, sincere. Sincerely happy and amazed.

She walked over and hugged Holly from behind, sliding her hands over her waist and resting them on her stomach, pulling her close and kissing that spot on her neck.

"Good morning."

"Good morning."

"Thank you for coming last night."

"Thank you for taking me. It did mean a lot." She tilted her head back and pressed a few light kisses under Gail's ear.

...

Gail was relieved and surprised that the night at the Penny actually went so well. She knew that Holly would do well, she just didn't expect to feel so at ease herself. Sure, maybe the tequila helped a little there, but mostly it was just Holly's presence, the naturalness with which she carried herself, the soothing effect she had on Gail. After getting over her initial nervousness, Gail had increasingly felt the urge to touch Holly, to show everyone who cared to look that Holly was hers, and she was Holly's. She felt warmth spread through her stomach, her chest, her whole body – and no, _that_ was definitely not the tequila. As she watched her interact with her brother and her best friend, watched her lips part and close, her hands move, gesturing while talking, as she watched her laugh, watched the way she gently maneuvered her way through the crowd, at all times very aware of Gail, how she was feeling, constantly checking in with her through a brief look her way, Gail felt immense pride that this amazing woman was there with her. She wanted to hold her tight and never let go, shower her with kisses, but her self-imposed straitjacket didn't allow any of that. At least she managed that kiss on the cheek. And that best part of it was, that she knew that Holly was able to really appreciate it, to grasp the true meaning of it, to realize that this was a huge deal for Gail.

In fact, the night at the Penny was a huge source of encouragement for Gail. A few days after, when they were riding together, she took Chris to spend his lunch break with her and Holly in Holly's office. On another night, she ordered Holly to the Penny again – to pick her up actually, but "while you're here anyway, you should come in and have a drink with us!" _Us_, that was Traci, Chris, and Oliver. She refrained from any displays of affection this time – though she was sure that Oliver had long caught on to what was going on, and if there should be anyone else to know about them, he would certainly be her first choice. She did trust him. But her small circle of chosen ones was enough to _officially _know for now. A couple of weeks after Holly's first trip to the Penny, Gail actually did it – she took Holly out for dinner. _Federico's _it was, candle-light, delicious food, shared desserts. Gail had never felt such anticipation as that night, when they got back to Holly's place, and she knew she was going to be able to peel Holly out of that gorgeous dress, to slowly expose her sexy lingerie, her soft, olive skin. She savored every moment of it. Her fingers still tingle at the memory of how she slowly unzipped Holly's dress, and how her fingers traveled down her spine, inch by inch taking in the freshly exposed stretches of skin. Her body still trembled at the memory of what was to follow.


	10. Chapter 10

**Thanks to everyone for reading, commenting, reviewing, and for the favorites and follows! It really is very encouraging! **

**Hope you enjoy the new chapter! **

**...**

_One minute I held the key_

_Next the walls were closed on me_

_And I discovered that my castle stands_

_Upon pillars of salt, and pillars of sand_

...

It has been almost two months since Gail had followed her urge to kiss the brunette in an interrogation room at the precinct. Two months in which Holly's patience had been put to the test at times, in which Gail had been trying to battle her own demons, silence her insecurities, break down her walls. She still didn't completely understand how it happened that Holly was still there, how she managed to not be fed up and leave, how Gail herself managed to run a little less.

Yes, things had gotten better since she so carelessly stood Holly up the night of their dinner date. Gail had certainly been trying harder, and in those rather rare moments when her guard was really down, when her brain didn't work nonstop, worrying about what might or might not happen, questioning every little thing, expecting hurt, betrayal and heartache behind every corner, she actually realized that she didn't even have to try all that hard. That in fact, a lot of it came naturally, that she trusted Holly a little more with each passing day, that the forces standing in the way of her own happiness got just a little weaker day by day.

It was weird. It was new. In those moments where she just followed her gut, when she just let herself be, she was truly happy. And she saw that same feeling reflected in the way Holly looked at her, smiled at her, touched her, talked to her, every time she saw her. She didn't completely trust that impression of course. She couldn't imagine making Holly as happy as the brunette made her – except when she just listened to what her gut told her.

Dov sure enough found her behavior conspicuous, if not alarming. He had been patrolling with Gail for two hours now. Two hours during which she was all smiles, humming along to the radio. She had even bought him coffee and brought cookies. Dov had certainly noticed that Gail hardly spent any time at home anymore, and he had already caught glimpses of this new, more mellow version of Gail. But he had himself been so preoccupied with Chloe ever since the shooting, that there was no space to really give it too much thought so far. And the few times he had confronted Chris with the strange demeanor and the whereabouts of their roommates he just brushed him of nonchalantly.

"Ok Gail. Would you please tell me what is going on?"

"What do you mean?"

"The corners of your mouth. They have been pointing upwards for the most part of our shift. And before, I heard you humming along to a Miley Cyrus song. Miley Cyrus!"

"Gee, Dov! It's a beautiful day, the sun is shining, Chloe is all being Chloe again, everything is good. I'm just happy. Aren't you happy, Dov?"

It _was _a beautiful day. It had especially been a beautiful morning, waking up next to Holly, feeling her soft skin pressed up against her in the shower. And the best part was, Gail's shift would end at 2 already, and since it was Holly's day off they had the whole afternoon – and night – to themselves. It's been some time since they had been able to go over their domestic routine, and Gail was very much looking forward to that.

"Of course I am happy! But you? I don't think I've ever heard you say that. Except maybe in the context of 'seeing that old lady with a cane trip and land in a puddle of mud made me so happy'. It's weird! It's creeping me out!"

"I'm sorry little Dovey." She smiled at him. Genuinely smiled. "Maybe you should just get used to it."

"I don't know if I ever will. So... Is there any particular reason you are so happy?"

Of course Dov had been suspecting that there was some guy responsible for the sudden change in Gail's mood. He was just really hoping it wasn't Collins or Chris all over again.

"Well yes, I suppose there is." She said as her smile grew even wider.

"Aaaand... Are you going to tell me what it is?" Gail contemplated her answer for a few seconds.

"Not today. But I will, sooner or later."

Dov knew that with an answer like that, there was no use in pushing her further. In fact, it was one of the most satisfying answers Dov had ever gotten from Gail, especially concerning her personal life. They drove around for another 30 minutes in relative silence, if you disregard Gail's humming.

Then the call came in. And in a matter of seconds, Gail's smile and happiness turned into deep worry lines and panic.

"15-09 responding!"

"Gail, I think that there are patrol cars closer than us!"

"Just turn the car around!"

With the look she gave him, there was no messing with Gail. He turned the car around and made his way to the indicated address, while Gail had hit the lights and siren.

The call was about a possible hit-and-run. A woman, late 20s, early 30s, was found in the middle of a street. No vital signs, traces of an impact trauma clearly visible, as the first responder had stated. It was Holly's street. Just a few houses down from where she lived.

McNally and Parker were already at the scene when they arrived. The detectives had been informed. As they approached the scene, Gail's eyes were fixated on the woman. Her face was pointing away from them. She had long, brown hair. Athletic figure. Holly's height. Gail stopped, still staring at the body, her jaw clenched, her palms sweaty. Her feet felt like lead. Her head was spinning. Her heart was beating so loudly that it drowned out all the other sounds around her. She was hot and freezing cold at the same time. Her stomach turned and contracted. She felt like she couldn't breathe.

Somewhere in the distance she heard someone call her name. Must be Dov, she thought. She didn't care. She took a few steps back and all of a sudden sprinted off, running towards Holly's house.

"Gail, what the fuck!?" Dov shouted after her, but got no reaction. He thought about going after her, but figured there was no use. He stayed and approached the first responder while the other two officers were still busy cordoning off the scene.

She rang the doorbell. Nothing. She banged at the door. Still nothing. She repeated all of it over and over again. It had seemed like minutes to her when Holly finally opened the door. She was still wearing the bathrobe Gail had left her in this morning.

_Thank god. Thank god. It wasn't her. She's alive. She's here. Thank god._

Gail was panting, supporting herself on the doorjamb with her hand.

Holly's initial smile at the sight of Gail quickly turned into a worried frown.

"Gail? Is everything ok?"

Gail didn't reply, she just eyed Holly from head to toe, over and over again, trying to get her breathing under control, trying to settle her stomach. Holly looked past Gail and saw police cars parked a few houses down the road. She quickly focused back on Gail, trying to figure out what had brought her here.

"Gail! What is going on?"

Gail stormed into the house, shoving Holly out of the way somewhat roughly. She locked herself in the guest bathroom, emptying the contents of her stomach into the toilet. After several minutes she came back out and found Holly pacing back and forth between the kitchen and the living room. She spun around quickly as she heard Gail and approached her, eying her intently. Gail's neck and ears were flushed, but her face was even paler than usual.

"Gail, are you alright? You scared me! What happened?"

Gail closed the gap between them, placing her hand on Holly's chest. She needed to feel her heartbeat. She closed her eyes in relief and sighed. Her hands traveled upwards, cupping Holly's face. She pressed her forehead against Holly's and stroked her cheeks with her thumbs, applying a little more pressure than she usually would. They were standing still like that for a few moments, Gail breathing heavily, her eyes still closed.

"You're ok. You're ok." Gail whispered

Holly's arms were wrapped around Gail, her hands drawing soothing patterns onto her back. She spoke softly.

"Of course I am. But are _you_?"

Holly was sure that Gail's behavior had something to do with whatever was going on outside by the police cars. She still had no idea what exactly had happened though.

"I am now." Gail kissed Holly softly and then pulled her in even closer, hugging her tightly.

Traci had arrived at the scene in the meantime and was brought up to speed about what the officers were able to find out so far. She looked around, searching for Gail.

"Dov, where is your partner?"

"What the hell do I know? She just ran off into that direction as soon as we got here. I think she disappeared into one of the houses over there." He pointed in the direction of Holly's house, clearly annoyed with the blonde's behavior.

"Ok. I got it. You stay here until I get back!"

She made her way over to Holly's house. The two women were torn from their hug by a knock at the door, and Traci was invited in.

"Hey Holly, how are you doing?" She approached Gail, who was now sitting on one of the barstools at the kitchen counter. "You okay, Gail?"

Her voice was soft. She could only imagine what must have gone through Gail's head as they arrived on the scene. She knew what made her rush over to Holly's place.

Gail nodded. "Yeah. Sorry."

"Don't worry, it's fine. Listen. I'm really sorry, but I need you out there. I sent McNally and Parker out to divert traffic until we can clear the street. I need you and Dov canvassing the neighborhood to find out if anyone saw or heard anything. Can you do that?"

"Yeah. Of course." Gail nodded again and reluctantly hopped down from her stool.

"You can start with Holly, ok? There was no ID on the vic. I'll send you her pic to your phone though." She held up her phone, showing the woman's picture to Holly.

"Have you by any chance seen her in the neighborhood before?"

Holly shook her head no. However, seeing the picture, she began to understand what must have startled Gail into this panic.

"Ok. Well, take Holly's statement. But I need you out there after, alright? I will let Dov know you're taking this side of the street. Call me if you find out anything, ok?"

"Ok. Thanks Trace."

"Of course. Bye Holly, see you soon!"

"See you."

...

That hit-and-run was _exactly _what Gail had needed. Canvassing the neighborhood took hours and – surprise, surprise – did not result in any significant progress on the circumstances of the woman's death. What it resulted in, however, was huge amounts of paperwork. Thus, 2 o'clock quickly became 5, and it was almost 6 when she knocked at Holly's door. She has been here, done this before, many times. It was never like today. She usually waited at her doorstep in anticipation and excitement, but as soon as she heard Holly approaching the door, she was flushed with the peace and calm of Holly's presence. Not today though. Today her heart was thumping loudly in her chest, she felt a certain restlessness in her bones, a tension she wasn't really able to place.

Shortly after she answered the door, Holly found herself pushed up against it. Gail's body was pressed firmly against Holly's, her lips violently crashing into hers, kissing her with a fierce passion that was new to Holly. Her hands were roaming all over Holly's body, pulling and pushing, as if their touch was never enough. She cupped Holly's breasts, kneading them, feeling her nipples harden through the fabric. She placed her leg in between Holly's, grinding against her, her hands pulling on Holly's hips to increase the pressure, making Holly moan uncontrollably. "Holy shit! Gail... Fuck..." Gail increased the rhythm of her thrusts, quickly driving Holly to the edge. And then she stopped. She pulled back and stared at Holly. She could see it now. Gail's dilated pupils, her eyes the color of a brooding thunderstorm. It was pure lust and need. Gail unbuckled Holly's belt, unbuttoned her jeans and slid her hand down Holly's panties, making her sink into the touch, shivering. Gail's eyes fluttered shut and she released a sigh.

"God, Holly, you are so wet."

"Yeah, you do that to me."

She opened her eyes again, her face moving closer to Holly's, their lips almost touching. Her voice was husky, dropping an octave. "Holly. I want to _fuck _you."

Her lips cam crashing in again, accompanied by moans.

And Gail got what she wanted. Holly was bent over the kitchen table, Gail standing behind her, her body pressed against Holly's back. She inserted two fingers into Holly's slippery opening, then three, and started pushing into her deep and hard. Her other hand was working Holly's breasts first, and was then tangled in her hair, pulling it while whispering obscenities into Holly's ear. Gail had never been this aggressive before, but Holly wasn't complaining. She kind of enjoyed this rough version of Gail. She certainly enjoyed being fucked like this, knocking a pile of journals off the table as she was desperately looking for something to hold on to as her orgasm hit her hard and she screamed Gail's name.

Gail grinned happily. She had a hard time keeping herself in check, as witnessing Holly's pleasure had almost sent her over the edge herself. But Gail was not done yet. Not by a long shot.

She took Holly over to the sofa, where she went down on her, doing all the wondrous things to her that her tongue was capable of. Teasing her clit, licking up and down the full extent of Holly's swollen folds, tasting her thick juices, letting Holly taste herself in Gail's mouth, entering her with the tip of her tongue and finally, when she thought it too cruel to tease her any further, returning to her clit, circling it with more intensity, breathing in the musky scent of Holly, until the lightning bolt ran through Holly and the sound of Gail's name – among a myriad of other ministrations – filled up the house once more. This time there was no controlling herself though. Gail was so turned on by the sight and the sound of Holly, that she desperately needed some release. As she was pushing Holly over the edge with her tongue, she reached down into her pants. After only a few strokes of her silky wet center she collapsed into an orgasm of her own as the brunette watched on intently and lustfully.

When they had both recovered, they moved on to the bedroom. Gail was insatiable, making Holly come undone in every which way. Whenever Holly felt like there was no way in hell she could take any more, Gail put her right and brought her to even greater heights. Occasionally, Holly was allowed to reciprocate and have her name ripped from Gail's lips in ecstasy. But mostly Gail was running this show.

That night they went through all the different varieties of sex. At first it was feral, almost aggressive, but as the night progressed it became gentler, more soulful, tender and affectionate, each time. Holly had certainly had her share of good sex, great sex, sex in all variations. But she has never had sex like this. There was an intensity, an urgency, the yearning and the craving, that she felt in every one of Gail's touches, in every one of her looks, in every moan or sigh, in every breath she took. Gail was devouring her, she needed to _have_ her, even the tiniest piece of her. She needed to have it all.

It was almost too much to take for Holly. She felt like she was going to burst with the intensity of it all. She never felt this kind of unleashed desire from anyone. She never felt this worshipped, and never this consumed. When she was on top of Holly, riding her rhythmically, rubbing their clits together, she fixated her with her eyes, held her gaze, made Holly do the same, until they climaxed together and rode out an orgasm that didn't seem to want to end. It came in wave after wave. And each time, Gail moved her face a little closer to Holly's, made her open her eyes again and pierced them with her sea of blue. Holly felt like Gail could see her soul, see everything. The vehemence of it made it hard for her to breathe and to swallow.

Holly wasn't entirely sure, but when they were in the shower together, she thought she had seen a few tears running down Gail's face as she explored and caressed her whole body with her lips. She thought she heard Gail breathe 'I love you' when they were entangled tightly, their silky centers brushing over the others' thigh slowly and rhythmically, savoring the build-up before their final release, before Gail screamed Holly's name in pleasure and pain one last time, and Holly screamed hers, under the light of the stars that shone just for them. Gail held her tightly, in an embrace that was tender and desperate at the same time. Even after they had come down, she wouldn't let her go. She clung to her as if it was their last night on earth. _That's it_, Holly thought, _That's what this whole night felt like. Like their last night on earth. _Gail's hands were running through Holly's hair, caressing her neck, drawing patterns on her back. Her touch was smooth, silken. It felt like love. Holly wanted to take in this feeling for as long as she could, but the night was taking its toll. She fell asleep exhausted in Gail's arms.

Gail laid awake for most of the night, holding Holly, caressing her, watching her as she slept peacefully. Whenever she pressed a light kiss to her forehead, a smile would creep into her face as she slept. She wanted to drink it all in, her beauty, her elegance, her essence. She was mesmerized. Her tears fell silently to her pillow.

When Holly woke up Gail was already downstairs, sipping her coffee and staring out the kitchen window. It was a joy to behold, this peaceful, utterly beautiful creature standing in _her _kitchen.

"Good morning" she finally said, after enjoying the sight of Gail for a little while.

"Good morning." Gail poured a cup of coffee for Holly.

Holly approached her from behind, affectionately wrapping her arms around Gail's middle, placing soft kisses on her neck.

"You know that literally _every single muscle_ in by body is sore? I blame you for that." She grinned and kissed Gail's neck again, before the blonde spun around.

"Sorry." Gail said absentmindedly. Was something wrong? Holly would have expected some kind of sassy retort – or maybe a dumb smile full of post-coital bliss.

"You're dressed already. You have to go to work? If you give me half an hour to get ready I'll take you?"

Gail shook her head. "No need. I took Chris' car last night. Plus I should get going now anyway, I have to be in early." It was a lie.

"Oh, okay. Well it's probably for the best. Who knows if you could keep your hands off me in the car." Holly knew something was up, she just had no idea what it was, and she didn't want to give it too much importance, for now at least.

Gail set down her coffee and moved in to kiss Holly. Like last night, this kiss was something she never experienced or imagined before. It was lingering and soft. It was like a first kiss. It was happy and hopeful, and sad and desperate. It was fierce and passionate. It felt like Gail wanted to soak her up completely, like she wanted this kiss to never end. It was scared and tentative. It was determined and intense. It was loving.

Gail's forehead came to rest against Holly's for a moment. She pulled back, locking eyes with Holly, whispered "Bye". She turned around and headed for the door, looking back at Holly, taking a deep breath, before she slipped out, leaving Holly dumbfounded.

Her lips, her whole body, were still tingling with the sensation of what happened just now and last night. Her mind was racing, trying make sense of the events of the past 12 hours. Holly certainly wasn't complaining about a night like the last. And she wasn't complaining about being kissed like this, like an actual firework.

She had no idea how to place that kiss though. She had no idea it was Gail's kiss goodbye.

...

_Nothing goes as planned_

_Everything will break_

_People say goodbye_

_In their own special way_


	11. Chapter 11

**I've said it before and I can only say it again: Thank you so so much for all your feedback and kind reviews! Every single one of them makes my day! **

**I'm sorry I had to leave you hanging like this with the last chapter, but I just couldn't resist ;) **

**Also, consider yourself warned and brace yourself for the next few chapters - you'll just have to trust me... Enjoy!**

**...**

_Some say love is a burning thing_

_That it makes a fiery ring_

_Oh but I know love as a fading thing_

_Just as fickle as a feather in a stream_

_See, honey, I saw love. You see, it came to me_

_It put its face up to my face so I could see_

_Yeah then I saw love disfigure me_

_Into something I am not recognizing_

_..._

Gail was standing at the bar. A drink was put down in front of her.

"My treat." Steve smiled. "Haven't seen a lot of you lately, little Sis! I'm guessing I know who's responsible for that." He winked at her. "But anyway, it's great that you're here. So we can catch up."

"Hm. I don't feel much like catching up. Can't we just drink instead?"

Gail had been hiding out. Not at Holly's though. She spent most of the last days at home, sitting on her bed motionless, staring into the darkness. She went to a bar a couple of times, one that she was sure she wouldn't run into anyone she knew, when she was afraid Chris or Dov would realize she was home and figure out that she was just digging herself into her hole, sad, depressed, lonely, angry, helpless.

Holly had called and texted. She ignored the calls, she couldn't muster up the courage to speak to her. She couldn't bear hearing her voice. She replied to some of the texts with cold, noncommittal one-liners like 'Sorry, work has been crazy', 'I really need to catch up on sleep' or 'Not tonight. Talk to you soon'. One day, Holly came by her apartment. Luckily, the boys weren't home, so Gail could just play dead. She watched Holly leave the house and get into her car. She sat there for a few minutes, her head leaned against the headrest, before she drove off. She looked stunning, and terrible. She definitely looked like she hadn't gotten a lot of sleep lately. She looked tired, and angry.

"Hey Holly, great to see you!" Steve exclaimed, looking past Gail.

She spun around in a panic.

"Shit." _Shit. Shit!_ There she was, Holly. Standing right in front of Gail.

"Hey you two." She smiled at the Pecks. But Gail knew. She knew this wasn't Holly's smile. It was polite, put on. It was a cold smile.

"What brings you here?" Steve still sounded cheerful, unaware of the tension between the two women.

"Oh, some colleagues dragged my here." She nodded over to a group of three men. "I give you excessive sweater, bad breath guy, and... Javier. He's actually cool." She gave Steve another weak smile.

"Well, I'll leave you two to get a minute to yourselves. We're sitting over there." He pointed to their table. "You should come and join us later, when you're ready to ditch sweaty breath over there."

"Yeah... Ok." He gave her a pat on the shoulder and took off, leaving Gail alone with Holly.

Gail stood there thunderstruck. Her heart was beating up to her ears. She felt like throwing up, like running away, like kissing her. Every time she saw Holly, she was amazed with her, completely taken by her appearance. This time was no different, just multiplied by what felt like a million.

Holly's smile was gone, replaced by hurt, anger, fear, and disappointment. That was the worst. She had seen tiny glimpses of fear and hurt, even anger, before, even though they were always buried deep under all that affection and understanding. But the disappointment was new.

"So. I haven't seen you in a while. Or heard from you, really." It had been a little over a week.

"Yeah well, I was busy." Gail tried her best to keep her voice steady, firm, calm. Unapologetic. Holly didn't believe her for a second. She knew she owed her an explanation, but she didn't have the first clue what to tell her.

It had all been too much for Gail. All those feelings, that came over her like an avalanche. Things had been going really well. Gail could no longer deny that she was happy. Holly made her happy. And content. She felt loved. _Loved_. And she knew she was falling in love. And hard. And then there was that incident on Holly's street. That feeling had burned itself deep into Gail's mind, into her whole body, her heart. The feeling that she might have lost Holly. It had overwhelmed her and made her completely numb. Gail felt like she was crumbling under all those feelings. That is how she would eventually feel, when the inevitable was going to happen and she would actually lose Holly. Just that she would be in even deeper and everything would be a lot worse, even though Gail hardly thought that was possible.

She did the only thing she knew. She ran. To the restroom. _Brilliant move, Peck! She'll never find you in here. Duh..._ Holly came after her. She saw the stalls were empty and locked the door.

"What the fuck, Gail?" Holly said raising her voice.

"What the fuck what, Holly?" Gail retorted, keeping up her hard exterior. _Whatever happens, just don't crack!_

"You've practically been ignoring me all week."

"Oh, so you thought you'd come down here to stalk me?" _Offense is the best defense, they say._

"No, I told you, I was dragged here by colleagues. But yes, I was kind of hoping to run into you and find out what the hell is going on? What scared you this time? Were the orgasms too earth-shattering? Did I hug you a little too tightly while I was sleeping? Was my bed too comfortable? Did my fabric softener smell too good?"

"You're making fun of me now? Do you think that's going to get me to talk to you?"

Holly was trying to calm herself down. She knew she just snapped at Gail, but she just couldn't help it. She was furious and frustrated.

"No. I did not want to make fun of you. I'm sorry I snapped. But... Just think about it. I mean, do you really think the way you've been treating me is ok?"

"Come on, Holly, don't act like you're a victim. You knew what you were getting into. That's me. That's what I do. I told you. Several times. Don't act all surprised now. What did you expect?"

"Honestly? I thought we were past this. I thought the last weeks had been going really well, I thought we were doing fine. Great, actually. I don't understand what happened?"

"Uhm. I thought you were smart? Hot and cold? Specialty of Gail Peck? Come on, do I really have to spell it out for you?"

"I thought you wanted to stop doing that. Do better. Isn't that what you said?"

"Whoa. Speaking of things that were said, weren't you all like 'I like you the way you are' and 'I'm patient, you have all the time in the world' and crap? So where the hell did that go?"

There was a knock at the door. "It's busy!" Holly shouted.

And the disappointment was back.

"I can't believe you're throwing that in my face, Gail. Yes, I did say that. I also said that I'd be patient with you as long as I knew you were at least _trying_. I haven't seen a lot of trying these days."

Gail just scoffed. She was slowly finding the way back to her old self. Her words were dripping with cynicism. "Wow, very impressive, Holly. You're already sick of it. Of me. I gotta be honest, I thought you'd make it a little longer. But anyway. I see I was right. You're already fed up with me. You're no different from the others."

Gail was fighting. Fighting really hard to keep up her walls. The sight of Holly, her face full of pain, pure, emotional pain almost broke her heart. _You're on a good way, Peck. Keep it up. The more you hurt her, the easier it will be for her to let go._

"Gail, that's not fair. I am not fed up with you! I'm still here, and I intend to stay. And I'm still trying to understand and I'm still willing to be patient." Tears were starting to gather in her eyes. "But Gail, just because I'm patient doesn't mean I don't have feelings. I doesn't mean I don't hurt when you treat me like that. It doesn't mean you can use me like a doormat."

Another knock at the door, this time more insistent. "Just use the _fucking_ men's room for fuck's sake!" Gail was taken aback. She had never even remotely seen Holly this worked up and aggressive. Her nerves were raw. Gail had really made her come undone, lose all her self-control and confidence.

"Look, Holly. Maybe that is exactly the problem. You have all those _feelings_. You're invested. In us, in _me_. For whatever reason. I don't do that. I don't do feelings. Ok? I'm sorry. It's just... That's not me."

Was this the stroke that broke her back? Gail saw Holly flinch and back down, as if she had literally just taken a bullet. She needed a few seconds to recover.

"Gail. Don't say that. We both know that's not true. You may not like having to deal with them, but I don't believe your 'I don't do feelings' crap. We've been through too much together that you can just stand here and say that. This is another one of your freak-outs. You're just scared of God-knows-what. Do _you_ even know? Why can't you just try and be happy?"

"Maybe that's the point Holly. Maybe I shouldn't have to _try_, you know? Maybe if I were _actually_ happy, I wouldn't be doing this. Maybe if this was right for me, it wouldn't be so hard to try. Have you ever considered that option?"

There was silence. Holly had expected resistance from Gail. She had expected elusion, snide remarks, hurtful comments. She didn't think Gail would go this far though. She backed up towards the sink, steadying herself, before Gail continued to speak.

"Listen. I'm really sorry. I have enjoyed our time together. I have. And you have been great. Anyone would be lucky to have you. But this... it's just not me. It was an experiment. It was nice while it lasted, but it failed. I'm just not into women, Holly. And I'm not into you the way you want me to be. So. I'm sorry, but this isn't working."

What do you do when you feel powerless? What do you do when you're rendered motionless by your own fears? What do you do when you know you're wrong? You lie. You lie to yourself. And you lie to everyone who asks. And you make that lie so powerful, so painful, that there are no questions left.

Tears were falling down Holly's face. God, that beautiful face. Gail looked at her and knew she had just smashed her heart. She knew she had crushed Holly. It was the most painful thing Gail ever had to go through. But she had to keep it together. Just for a little bit longer. She saw the resignation in her eyes, her body language. After a while, Holly recovered. She wiped the tears off her face, and stood up straight, positioning herself across from Gail again.

"Fine. You keep telling yourself that, Gail. I, for one, am pretty sure that you will regret this – sooner rather than later. I'm not going to tell you that I'll wait for you. I'm not going to be pathetic like that. I will tell you, however, that I'm not going to give you the satisfaction of leaving. I meant what I said. All of it. You do deserve patience. And despite the fact that I would very much like to shake and slap you and that I am furious with you right now, that hasn't changed. I know what I want. And as soon as you are willing to be honest with yourself about what you want, you can come find me."

She walked towards the door, putting one hand on the handle and the other one on the lock, before turning her head once more, looking at Gail.

"But Gail, even trees crack and break at some point. So..."

The short spark of control and courage that Holly was overcome with was quickly starting to fade. Her voice was cracking. She needed to get out. She walked past the table where her colleagues were sitting, grabbing her coat and throwing a quick 'Sorry, I have to go' their way, and headed straight for the door. Once she was outside the Penny, she hurried to her car. No, she ran. She got in and drove off right away. After about two blocks, she pulled the car over. She couldn't see through her tears. She turned off the engine and took a breath. Her silent tears turned into loud sobs, her whole body convulsed. She was curling up into a ball as well as she could in the confined space of the driver's seat, her head buried deep in her knees, her arms wrapped around herself, crying. She sat like this for over half an hour.

That last gasp of fight she put up with Gail had drained all the energy from her. It took all the self-control she had, all the strength and hope that was left, all the love she felt for Gail, to do that. She meant what she said. She was sure that what Gail said wasn't true. She was sure she had feelings for her. You don't look at someone the way Gail looks at her if you don't. This was the cat up the tree. This was the vertigo setting in as she looked down and realized, for the first time, how high she had climbed without even noticing. She knew this was just one of Gail's freak-outs. And a big one at that. She wasn't sure, though, if Gail would recover from it. She wasn't sure if she would ever let herself see the truth. In fact, she didn't think she would. Gail was digging herself into her hole, convincing herself that this was exactly what she wanted, and Holly had no idea if she would ever climb back out of it. And Holly had no idea how long she would be able to wait. She knew that extending her hand, trying to help Gail out of it, wasn't an option anymore. It was as if Gail was caught in her own parallel universe, her own reality. She had to find the way out herself. But every day of waiting meant another crack in Holly's heart. She hadn't realized until now exactly how much she was hurting. And how much energy it had cost her to deal with freaked-out Gail. How much energy it cost to not take her running and her silence personally, to remind herself that is just one step of the way, to show Gail that it was ok, that she had nothing to fear, that Holly was there, no matter what. As serene and confident Holly had always seemed on the outside, there was a battle going on inside. A battle for Gail. At the same time, though, she saw one thing very clearly. That Gail was worth it. That there was no other option. She knew. But what if that knowledge couldn't carry her all the way? What if she would crack under it before Gail came to her senses? What if Gail never did?

Gail stood there motionless and watched Holly walk out of the restroom. She had been holding up her stone-cold exterior. She had to. She needed that determination, because if she slipped, if she fell, Holly would have been there to catch her. And Gail would have been back to square one. She stared at the door as it fell shut. After a few seconds, she released the breath she was holding, locked herself in one of the bathroom stalls and sank to the floor. Now. Now she could fall apart, shatter into pieces. She burst into tears, her nails digging into her thighs until it heart, the back of her head hitting the wall repeatedly, until she was to weak to move it, until she was too consumed by her own weeping. She sat like that for a little over half an hour, until she was able to bring her tears under control. She closed her eyes and smiled. She smiled because she saw Holly. Her perfect face, her soft hair falling down in waves, her shoulder-blades as the stood out through her shirt, her hands as they softly caressed Gail's torso. She saw the curve running down from her ribcage, over her slender waist, to her hipbone. And she felt her, all of her, over her body. Her skin was burning with the memory of Holly's touch. She felt her lips on hers, full, plump, velvety, her upper lip caught in between Gail's, the slow dance of their tongues at their first touch. She could taste her, smell her, hear her say her name, moan with pleasure. She saw her chest rise and fall as she slept. She saw her smile, that beaming smile, that was for Gail only. That was the purpose of it all. The purpose of that night that Gail didn't want to end. Gail had realized that as she was mapping out of Holly's body with her lips in the shower. She was taking possession of Holly, she wanted to drink it all in, every inch of her, internalize her. She wanted to feel her with such an intensity that it would last her a lifetime. You couldn't run from memories. Memories didn't tire. They couldn't be hurt. They wouldn't leave. And even if they did, even if they vanished, you wouldn't realize, because you would just forget, right? Gail didn't think they would ever vanish though. She would hold on to them. She would hold on to the Holly that would always be hers.

She opened her eyes and realized she was still sitting on the dirty bathroom floor at the Penny. She had to get out of here. She looked at herself in the mirror, trying to wipe away the mascara that was smudged all over her face. Waterproof my ass! She crept out of the Penny, hoping not to be seen by anyone, and started walking.

After just a few minutes, she heard someone running after her, their steps crunching in the snow, breathing heavily.

"Gail!" It was Steve.

"Go away!" Gail didn't turn around, she just kept walking, her eyes fixed to the floor.

"At least put on your coat. It's cold."

Steve had watched the scene. When he saw Gail taking off to the restroom and Holly following her, his eyes kept darting towards the door. He saw Holly emerge and run out some time later, blinking back her tears. He waited patiently for Gail to return. He knew there was no point in cornering her, she would put up her walls and there would be no getting through to her. When she saw her scurry through the crowd and out the door, he got her coat and purse and followed her. He knew something severe must have happened. Not because Gail ran, he was used to that. But he knew that Holly wasn't one to run, usually. Not when it came to Gail.

Gail spun around, ripping her belongings from her brother's hands. She shrugged on her coat and turned to run off again.

"Gail. What happened?" She stopped in her tracks.

"Nothing."

"Gail. It's me." His voice was soft, sympathetic. He wanted her to know that he wasn't going to force her to talk, but that he understood. He knew. She was safe with him. She turned around, slowly raising her gaze to meet his. Her eyes were red and puffy. Her look was one of defeat.

"It's over. We're done." Silent tears were rolling down her face.

He came closer slowly, the way you approach a wild, hurt animal. Step by step. She didn't back away. He stopped when he was at arm's length.

"I'm so sorry, Gail."

She was no longer able to hold back. She lounged into his arms and started weeping bitterly. She clung to him as if she was holding on for dear life. As if he was the only thing that kept her from falling apart completely. It was heartbreaking. He had never seen his sister like this.

"Shhh. It's going to be ok. Shhh." He stroked her head and back, trying to calm her down. After a long while the sobs subsided.

"Let me take you home. You can stay at mine tonight. Ok?" She just nodded into his shoulder. She didn't want anyone else to see her like this.

...

_Hold on, hold on to yourself_

_For this is going to hurt like hell_


	12. Chapter 12

**To all of you who feel that Gail is a total bitch and doesn't deserve Holly: I feel you. I do. And I do realize that "my Gail" is rather on the dark and broken end of the spectrum, and that she is putting Holly through a lot, but I don't think that she can't be forgiven. **

**That being said, remember that this is a _Gail & Holly _fic after all! :)**

**Thanks to everyone for reading and reviewing! The next chapter should be up soon as well!**

**...**

_You always cared for me_

_And I pushed you in the dark_

_And I wanted to tell you_

_I wanted to tell you_

_But I lie, I lie_

...

The next days were a blur, indistinct. For both of them. They went to work. They functioned, the way robots or zombies do. _Just put one foot in front of the other._ They went home. They cried. They yearned for the other. It was astonishing, ironic really, how parallel their lives became during that time, even tough there were no points of contact.

Gail told herself that this was the only way. _You will always have your memories. _

Holly tried to tell herself that eventually, Gail would come around. _You do whatever needs to be done._ She wanted to kick herself at times for sticking to that stupid mantra. She was furious. Furious with Gail for acting the way she did. Furious with her grandfather for forcing that stupid 'when you know you know' crap on her. And furious with herself. She had never been one to put herself in that vulnerable position, to wait for someone, to let herself be hurt like that and still cling to that person. When did she become this desperate, this pathetic? It was when, for the first time in her life, she really, truly fell in love. When she just _knew_. So, pathetic or not, she knew she couldn't just let go of Gail. And she didn't want to either. Despite the short time they had spent together, she knew that she would never be as happy with anyone as she thought she could be with Gail.

Chris and Traci quickly caught on to the fact that something was wrong. They knew Gail. While the others at the precinct shrugged off Gail's abysmal mood and blandness as one of her usual mood swings, her friends were able to read it as what it was. Steve hadn't said anything to them. He thought it wasn't his place. He knew better than to betray his sister's trust. It was only when the other two cornered him, trying to find out whether he knew anything about Gail's current situation, that he said 'It's serious'. They didn't need to hear anything else.

Of course the three of them thought the same thing. That Gail just needed a push, that she just needed to be reminded that Holly was what she wanted, that she needed to go to her, and grovel, and hope that it wasn't too late. They came to a silent agreement.

Whenever an opportunity opened up, Gail was sent to the lab. When she was working on Traci's or Steve's cases, they called her out personally to take this to the lab, to pick that up from the lab, wait for some evidence to be processed or watch the investigation and report back. And _of course_ they preferred working with Holly. When she was partnered with Chris and it was obvious that someone was going to be sent to the lab, he quickly busied himself with some other important task, leaving Gail no choice but to go. Of course, their scheme was obvious to Gail. She fought it tooth and nail at first, but soon realized that resistance was futile, so she surrendered. She had become pretty good at just functioning these past days, after all. Even Javier at the lab soon picked up on what was going on and unsolicitedly joined the cop's endeavors. He swapped cases with Holly, or took on some of Holly's work, to make her available for whatever case Traci or Steve were bringing in.

After the first extremely awkward and uncomfortable encounters at the lab, their scheme seemed to start having its desired effect.

For the third time now, Gail was stuck in the lab with Holly. She was processing a bunch of... well... different kinds of dirt found at one of Traci's crime scenes. Gail had been sitting there in silence for about three hours already, and it seemed like Holly was nowhere near being finished. It was 2 pm and Gail's stomach was growling.

"You hungry?"

Holly was startled. Except for very basic, polite one-word exchanges they didn't talk.

"Uhm. Yeah. I guess."

"Ok. I will get us sandwiches."

She came back shortly after, holding two paper bags in her hand. They took a seat at Holly's desk.

"Turkey or bacon?"

"Uh. Bacon."

They unwrapped their sandwiches and each took a bite.

"It has tomatoes."

"I know. I bought the sandwiches." Gail looked at her with a raised eyebrow that seemed to say 'Duh?!'.

"What if I had picked turkey?"

"I knew you wouldn't."

They both couldn't help but smirk. They finished their sandwiches in silence. It wasn't much, but their little exchange did loosen them up a little. When Holly got back to work, Gail didn't retreat to her seat in the corner of the lab, where she had spent all her time so far. She went to stand next to the evidence table. Holly told her what she was doing. Gail asked some questions every now and then. When Holly was finished, Gail got up to leave with the last of her findings. The rest had already been passed on to Traci over the phone. She turned on the threshold before heading out.

"See you soon, Holly."

"See you."

Their next encounters went much more smoothly. They were both still somewhat tense in each other's presence, but they each made an effort to not let it show too much. They started talking about their days, about movies they had seen lately, books they had read, about people from work. They both slowly opened up, all the while still maintaining a safe distance. When Gail was stuck in the lab with Holly for the day, they would take lunch together, or leave for a quick coffee break. They even ended up grabbing drinks after work a couple of times, easily slipping back into their usual banter or sitting there in a comfortable silence. They were both reminded how much they missed each other's company, how much they missed each other. However, their interactions were always confined to, or at least connected to, work. There were no planned activities, no phone calls, nothing of the kind. They hung out whenever an opportunity came along, but no one dared to make the first move in taking their interactions to some sort of next level. Until one day Holly plucked up the courage to send a text.

_Officer, you haven't been to my lab in a week. Is everything alright with Steve and Traci? ;) H_

Gail smirked as she read Holly's text. So it wasn't just obvious to her that her regular visits to the morgue were orchestrated by her brother and her friends. She replied immediately.

_I know, I was worried too! But I just saw them alive and kicking last night. ;) G_

_That's good then. Just wanted to make sure they're not dead in a ditch somewhere._

_Sure :P You're just bummed out you didn't get to lecture me on medical jurisprudence all week, nerd!_

_Well, mostly I'm bummed out that I didn't get a free lunch all week! :P_

_Oh, I see! I do have the day off tomorrow. How would you like sushi for lunch?_

_I'll be expecting you at 1. Good night, officer._

_Done. Goodnight, nerd._

After they finished their sushi, Gail spent the rest of the day with Holly at the lab. She was working on some bone fragments and kept telling Gail about wear marks, and the greasiness of the bones and how they helped determine a person's age and the time of disposal. She showed her different kinds of impact and how they manifested in the bones. That's what Holly did. She told Gail all about the sciency stuff she'd been doing all day. She talked to her about it as if she understood, which gave Gail the unfamiliar feeling of being respected, being taken seriously. She talked about all those things with a passion that Gail admired. Mostly though, right now, she admired Holly's lips. She could not stop staring at them. The way they moved when she talked, the way she bit her lower lip when she felt like she was on to something, the way her tongue brushed over them from time to time, the way they curved upwards when she smiled at Gail.

_No. You need to tell her._

After a late night at the lab, Holly drove Gail home. She stopped the car in front of her house and turned off the engine, placing her hands in her lap and looking over at Gail.

"I'm really glad we're doing this, I've missed this." Gail said, slapping on a confident smile.

Just as Holly was about to speak, Gail cut her off.

"I mean, I've missed hanging out with you. You know how I find my friends extremely annoying. Well, I don't find you annoying. So. I'm really glad you're my friend."

Holly gulped at the word _friend_. _So this is where we are heading?_ Holly had been trying really hard not to get ahead of herself, but she couldn't help but feel like this was their second chance. She thought that this was Gail's way of letting her back in. That maybe, they had been moving too fast before, and that she now wanted to take it slow. Painstakingly slow. But Holly was willing to do that. Just as long as it meant Gail would come around eventually. That day at the Penny, she was heartbroken, but she had been prepared to take a few hits. They hurt like hell, but she somehow was able to put up some sort of resistance, because she was expecting them. Tonight though, she was defenseless, hit with the full impact of Gail's words.

"Gail. I don't want to be your _friend_. I can't be your friend."

"Well then what do you want?"

"Are you serious? You should know exactly what I want. I want you, Gail. All of you. Not just the friend part. I want to be your... your plus one, or whatever you want to call it." Holly raised her voice. She was incredulous. Did Gail _really _just want them to be friends? Did Gail really think that she would _ever _want to be just that? Shouldn't it have been clear to her that this would only cause more pain?

"Holly. We've been here before. I already told you. I can't be that person."

"You can't or you won't?" Holly was on the verge of tears. _How did we get back to this point? How can this be happening again?_

Gail let her head fall back onto the headrest.

_You had to tell her. You needed boundaries._

Of course, those boundaries weren't for Holly's sake. They were for Gail's. From the first time she was sent to the lab she was confronted with the fact that she wanted Holly. Badly. She wanted all of her. She heard the voices in hear head, screaming at her to grab her, to kiss her, to never let her go. But her fears paralyzed her. She knew she couldn't do it, she knew she would only end up hurting herself and Holly. She knew she was a lost case. She knew she would become unbearable. So she thought if she declared this as a friendship, if Holly signed off on it, if they placed this artificial boundary between them, that little by little she would get used to it. She would stop wanting her.

She closed her eyes. Yes. The memories were still there. Clear as day. _The hands, the lips, the taste, the smile. _All of them. She felt the tears that were threatening to fall.

"I _am_ sorry, Holly. I really am."

With that, she was out of the car.

...

Needless to say, Gail's next few visits to the lab were torture, physical and emotional torture. Gail didn't have it in her to look Holly in the eyes, and Holly was glad she didn't. Their interactions were limited to the bare necessities. There were no more lunches, no more coffees, no explaining, no questions asked. Gail felt physically sick every minute she had to spend at the lab. She knew there were a thousand things she wanted to say and do, but couldn't. She had dug her hole too deep. For the first time in her life, she genuinely hated those walls standing firmly around her. What used to be a means to protect herself, to hide behind, to comfort her, became an annihilating weapon, a self-imposed prison. She despised herself for bringing such a world of hurt upon Holly. She saw it in her face whenever she sneaked a glance at her. She saw infinite sadness, anguish, raw pain, rage. She also saw defeat. Holly looked drained. Tired. And she often had to gulp back the tears that were threatening to fall, as did Gail. One day, Holly even went home sick after lunch. It wasn't even a lie. She felt like she was going to break down any moment. Gail had been stuck at her lab all morning, and she knew that she wouldn't be done for another few hours. She just couldn't bear it any longer.

It didn't take the others long to pick up on the suffering that throwing those two together caused for Gail, and mostly for Holly. So they played the same game as before, just in reverse. Chris volunteered to go to the lab or ordered the new rookies to do it whenever he could, and when she was working on Traci and Steve's cases, they always made sure to send someone else. Javier pitched in again, taking over a lot of the work for 15th, or simply keeping Holly in her office when he saw Gail at the lab to avoid a run-in.

Soon they also stopped asking about Holly. While they were sure that they were in love with each other, they figured that – for now at least – there was nothing else they could do. And Gail was stuck in denial. Denying that she just knowingly made the biggest mistake of her life. Denying that there might have been another way.

She stuck to her routine. She went back to functioning. She went to work. She went to the Penny and sat there, absentmindedly sipping her drink. She went home. She closed her eyes and indulged in her memories until she drifted off into sleep.

She had managed to avoid the lab, to avoid Holly for about five weeks now. Today though, as she saw the little plastic bag in Swarek's hand, dangling in front of her face, she sensed that her luck was about to run out

"Peck! Can you take this to the lab for me?"

...

_I hurt myself,_

_I hurt myself,_

_Nearly as much as I hurt you._


	13. Chapter 13

**Thank you all so much for the amazing feedback! It is really great to see how invested you are in this story! **

**I apologize for any heartache it may create - I can only ask you again to trust me. :) **

**(Btw, as a reader I would be totally frustrated with my story as well! As a writer though, I now get the appeal of 'cliffhangers', to be honest :P. Still, I am not trying to torture you, I just want to get it right, and not simply rush to a happy ending. I hope you bear with me.)**

**...**

_Say something, I'm giving up on you_

_I'll be the one if you want me to_

_Anywhere, I would have followed you_

_Say something, I'm giving up on you_

_I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you_

_Anywhere, I would have followed you_

...

Holly was sitting at her desk, massaging her temples. She couldn't remember the last time she got a good night's sleep, the last time she didn't go to bed feeling angry, or sad, or disappointed, or hurt. The last time she didn't miss Gail. The last time she didn't feel pathetic for still holding on to the slim chance that she would actually come around. So today, like most other days, she had a headache. Lately it was either that, or her head would feel like it was wrapped up in cotton. She had tried burying herself in her work. She had written and published two articles in the course of only five weeks. She tried going out, drinking, distracting herself. It didn't really work. Not in the long run. She wasn't used to dealing with these kinds of situations. So far, she had always been the one leaving others behind. She had never been left to deal with unrequited feelings herself. Granted, she has never felt that way about anybody but Gail. She was never in love like she was with Gail.

"Holly Stewart." She was ripped out of her thoughts, her head shooting up, looking towards the door. He looked more attractive than she remembered him. The dark grey suit and the stubble he wore suited him well, and the graying temples gave him a hint of George Clooney glamour.

"Patrick?" A smile spread across her face. She hadn't seen him in quite some time, and she was surprised but also genuinely happy to see him. _Maybe this is exactly what you need. Some nice surprises to take your mind off of... her. Something to be happy about._

"Wow, it's good to see you! It's been ages!" She went over to him and pressed a kiss on his cheek, while he pulled her into a tight hug and lifted her up.

"I know! Far too long, Hollykins! How have you been?" She went back to her desk and motioned for him to sit down across from her.

"I've been good. Good. Work is good. It's been nice to be back in Toronto, you know... Anyway. It's boring. How about you? I see there is a ring on your finger?" She wanted to deflect the conversation from her life.

"Why, yes there is, doctor!" He grinned happily. "I married Caroline. I don't know if you ever met her? Anyway, life is great. We are actually expecting our first child. I got a job at UBC. I can't complain."

"I see. Well, congratulations! I'm really happy for you! You look great. You look like life's great! So tell me about Caroline." She really was happy for him. If anyone deserved to be happy, it was him.

"Actually, I'd rather talk about work right now and tell you all about Caroline over dinner?"

"Ok, well, if you're looking for a job here, I don't know if I have the kind of leverage to make that happen." She said with a wink.

"Oh no, I already have a great job. And I just might have one for you too. How would you feel about moving back to Vancouver?"

She raised her eyebrows in question. He opened his briefcase and pulled out a folder, handing it over to her.

"This is everything you need to know. You would be filling in for Professor Rasmussen, he's on research sabbatical. You would be teaching his classes on pathology. Some of them are standard curriculum, you know, a bit boring maybe, but others we can customize to whatever you want to do. You have been publishing some quite interesting stuff lately, so I'm sure you'll find things to talk about. I'm guessing you also know about the research we got going on at UBC. You could assist in one of our ongoing projects, or maybe even put up something new. If it can be done within the confines of six months, that is. That's unfortunately all we can offer you for now, one semester, but once you have a foot in the door... Well, you know how these things work. I'm sure we could find something for you if you wanted to stay."

He smiled at her, while she browsed through the folder he had handed to her.

"So. Intrigued?"

"Definitely intrigued." This would be something to look forward to. _A new challenge, a new city, a new job, something different. It might give you a new perspective._

"There just seems to be a mistake in your documents. It says I'm set to start on April 15th 2014? That's in, like, ten days."

"Yeah. About that. We already had everything set, one of Rasmussen's post-docs was supposed to fill in for him. However, he had an accident while skiing a few weeks back. They had to put him in an artificial coma. Anyway. There is no way of telling if or when they can take him out of the coma, and how his brain would be affected. So we're kind of under the gun with this job. I suggested you to my bosses and they seemed delighted. I know it's _extremely_ short notice. I'm sorry about that. But I would need your answer soon."

"How soon?"

"Sunday. At the very latest. Today would be even better." It was Friday.

"Sunday? Look, Patrick, I don't know if I can..."

"Hey, if you're worried about your job here – we have talked to your boss and informed him about the offer we were going to make you. He wasn't exactly happy about it, but he is willing to let your contract rest for those six months. You know how it would reflect well on the ME's office and all..."

"Oh, yeah. That's... that's good. I just..." There was a pause. Holly tried to push the thoughts out of her head, while Patrick studied her, trying to figure out what it was that held her back.

"It's not your job you're worried about, is it?" She just gave him a shy look. He knew he was on the right path. "What's her name?"

"I don't... It's not..." She took a deep breath. "Gail."

"No kidding. Holly Stewart, in a serious relationship? Is that what you're trying to tell me? I have to meet this woman that has managed to tame you!"

"Come on! I'm not like that anymore. And you won't meet her. It's... It's complicated." Her eyes were darting across the room. She had to fight hard to keep it together.

"Straight girl?"

"I don't know. I mean, yeah. But I'm not really sure that's the problem."

"Ok, I'm lost a little here. Help me out, Hollikins."

"She reminds me a little bit of myself back then. Not letting anyone come too close. Running before it gets too serious."

"No offense, Holly. But you chose your... flings... in a way that you knew from the start it couldn't get too serious. You knew you wouldn't fall in love. You think that's true for her?"

"I loved you."

"Yeah, like a friend. Or maybe even a brother. But you weren't really _in love_ with me. Do you think she's in love with you?"

"I used to. Or I thought she could be, she would be. Now I don't know anymore."

"Wow, Holly. Don't let yourself suffer like that. Talk to her. Fish or cut bait."

"Well, that's kind of the problem. We're not exactly on... speaking terms? We're not even together. I haven't seen her or talked to her in weeks. The last time we really spoke, she told me she wanted to be my friend. My _friend_."

"_Ouch_. Is she the only reason you're hesitating to take the offer?"

"It's pathetic. I know. I'm pathetic. I don't even know why I'm thinking about it."

He laughed at her. It was a sympathetic laugh though. He got it. "You're not pathetic, Holly. You're just in love. And you know what? I'm happy for you! I'm happy you found her. I'm happy you finally got to experience what love really feels like. And I'm really, really sorry you are hurting. And I'm sorry it's fucked up."

He paused. He didn't know how to say the rest of what he wanted to say. He didn't know how to let her down easy.

"You should try and talk to her. If you think there's a chance, you should try. But, Holly, don't get stuck. Don't let her hurt you more than necessary. Get off that train before it takes you too far in the wrong direction."

He looked at her intently. She was nodding, her eyes sad. She probably knew all that already. But hearing someone say it out loud was always a different story. He thought she needed some space, some time to process. He got up and slowly walked towards the door.

"Listen, you can just give me a call tonight. Either because you have made a decision, or just to talk. I'm here. No matter how it should go with Gail though, it would only be six months, you know? It would be great to have you there, really. Anyway, you owe me, remember? You _did_ break my heart after all!" He winked at her and left her office. "Don't make me cry myself to sleep tonight, Stewart! Call me! And tell me what I want to hear!" He chuckled and walked away, nodding politely at the blonde officer that was walking towards him.

...

Gail knew she had to change her routine. After seeing Holly again after weeks of denial, she knew she had to steer clear of those memories. She knew she was about to break. She knew she was going to crumble to pieces. She had to put Holly away. Lock her up. Because every night, she just continued falling for her. Falling for this enchanting creature that was Holly. And she knew if she saw her again, she would lose all control. She would have to give in to all those feelings. And then everything would start from the beginning. History repeating itself. And she would bring misery over Holly again. And over herself. She couldn't let that happen.

So she needed a new routine. She went to work. She took all the extra shifts she could get, she worked overtime until she was sent home. She took boring surveillance assignments because they permitted her to extend her working hours beyond the usual regulations. She went to the gym after work or went for long runs to wear herself out. Whenever that wasn't an option, she just drank herself into oblivion. She did everything she could to be completely exhausted at the end of the day – or completely out of it – so that she could just drop into bed and fall asleep as soon as her head hit the pillow. So that she wouldn't think about the envelope lying in wait in that drawer. So that she could evade the memories. Maybe they would fade, she thought. _They have to fade at some point_. Whenever she checked, however, whenever she took a moment to close her eyes, they were still there, just waiting to be remembered. So she ran another mile. Downed another drink. Did another round of crunches. Struck another blow at the punching bag. Finished another report.

...

She was partnered with Nick today. When he emerged from the cluster of people gathered in front of the list with the day's assignments and came her way, saying "Looks like it's the two of us today", she just acknowledged it with the same indifferent shrug she acknowledged most things lately. It could be better. It could be worse. She really couldn't care less. Somewhere along the way, a long time ago, she had made her peace. She may not have entirely forgiven him, but she stopped caring. She stopped hurting. She still thought that he was at least in part responsible for her being the way she was – closed-off, wary, distrusting, somewhat of a loner, unable to embrace her feelings even when they are so omnipresent that they threaten to suffocate her. She still thought that that thing between him and Andy was the ultimate deal-breaker. She still thought he was too much of a coward to own up to the fact that he had developed feelings for Andy, that what had been going on between them had already been betrayal, even without any touching, or kissing, or sex. Instead, he turned the tables on her and made her the bad guy. Not to say that she's innocent. She certainly wasn't, on several levels, but she didn't think she was the cold-hearted bitch he made her out to be. She knew she wasn't.

Luckily their shift was unexciting but busy. Some traffic violations, shoplifting, a noise complaint, some neighborly dispute. Nothing dangerous or disturbing, the calls lining up perfectly one after the other.

"So. Are you in a good place, Gail?" She frowned and slowly turned towards him.

"What the fuck, Collins? You want to play therapist?"

He giggled. "No. No. Sorry. I just mean... I'm in a good place, I think. And I was thinking about what you said that night at the Penny, when Sam and Chloe were out of the woods. That it would get better. And it did. Never thought to hear such wise words from you." He smirked.

"Yeah well, I am a little bit like Yoda, you know? Initially people think the stuff coming out of my mouth is just a bunch of bullshit, but if they'd listen more often... I WOULD RULE THE WORLD!" She practically sang those last words and glanced at him triumphantly.

"Do you sometimes think back and realize that everything kind of makes sense in retrospect? That everything has its purpose?"

_Ouch_. Thinking about the past never turned out particularly well for Gail, especially now. Thinking about the past – thinking about anything, basically – inevitably made her think of Holly. And she could not for the life of her figure out what purpose that had. All that pain and agony. No, it didn't make sense.

"Nope." She deadpanned.

"Come on, like, imagine we would have gotten married back then. Do you think we would be where we are right now?" She didn't really understand why he was suddenly so cheerful.

"Oh we certainly wouldn't. You would be dead and I would be doing time for murdering my husband."

He laughed at her dry declaration.

"I'm absolutely serious!"

"Ok, ok. It's not like I disagree. That certainly was the right decision. And I'm glad we're sort of on the same page about it now."

"Whatever. What time is it? Oh! Ten more minutes, then our shift is over. Sweet!"

"You wanna grab a drink after?"

"Nah, I think I'll just hit the gym. But maybe I'll catch you later at the Penny."

"Cool."

They sat in silence for a few minutes when Nick started speaking again.

"What I meant to say before is, I kind of see the purpose in that whole Andy fiasco, you know?"

"Ugh! Seriously? Can't you take your Andy talk somewhere else?" She mentally switched off, playing music in her head, while Nick kept talking. She only caught a few snippets, but couldn't make any sense of them. And frankly, she didn't care.

"...everything you weren't... blinded... I was afraid... stop running... take the easy way..." Blah blah blah.

Suddenly, she felt his breath on her face. She realized that his face was just inches away from hers, and coming closer. She felt like everything was moving in slow motion and light speed at the same time. She was paralyzed, with no chance to react. His hand reached around her neck and he crashed his lips into hers, quickly demanding entrance with his tongue.

And then it all came rushing back. The fireworks. All those feelings. The tingling in the pit of her stomach. The excessive beat of her heart. The way they made love. The way they held each other. The kisses on her neck. The smell of her hair. The purposeful movements of her hands. The way they moved gently over Gail's alabaster skin. The way she said her name. Holly. The way she looked at her, those genuine eyes. The beaming smile. Holly. The tears that were falling from her face. The agony she saw in her eyes. That envelope in the drawer of her nightstand.

With a jerk, she came to her senses and realized what Nick was doing. She tried to turn her head, but it was firmly kept in place by his hand and the headrest it was pressed against. She quickly put her arms up between them and using all of her strength she pushed him off of her.

"What the fuck, Nick?! What do you think you're doing?!" She was screaming so fiercely, her voice was cracking.

"What? I just told you..."

"Did I really give you the impression that I was listening to whatever it was you had to say?!"

"Whoa, calm down! I thought we were on the same page!"

"Obviously not! I have absolutely no idea what page you're on, but I am definitely _not_ on the kissing page!"

"Alright, no reason to get so upset!"

"No reason to get upset? You practically jumped me! What the hell were you thinking?!" She actually did feel violated. For a split second there, when she couldn't get her head out of his grip, images of Perick flared up in her mind.

"As I said... Gail? What are you doing?" Gail was getting out of the car.

"Our shift ended two minutes ago. I'm off. Have fun with the paperwork, Collins!"

She took off running. They were only a few blocks from the lab. She needed to see Holly. Now. She had to make things right. Or, at least, to start making things right. _Don't be silly, Peck. Holly would be a fool to ever take you back_. She knew it was a long shot. All the things she said and did were rushing through her head, horrifying her, each and every one of them feeling like a dagger to her heart. To Holly's heart. Still, she saw one thing – the fact that she _wanted_ Holly, absolutely all of her – so clearly, that everything else just faded away.

_Come on, come on! Go faster!_ Gail was waiting anxiously for the elevator to reach the floor of Holly's lab, impatiently hopping from one foot to the other, until the doors opened. She continued her sprint down the hall, slowing down just a few steps short of the door to Holly's office. She realized she was panting and bent over for a few moments, resting her hands on her thighs, trying to catch her breath. She took a deep breath, bracing herself for whatever was to come, and walked up to the open door.

She sat at her desk, hunched over some documents. Her long brown hair fell down in waves, covering her face. Gail supposed it was the intensity of this whole situation, the adrenaline rushing through her veins, the fact that she hadn't seen Holly in weeks, the anticipation, but suddenly everything seemed different. Holly seemed different, her clothes, her hair, her posture, the way her hands moved, playing with the pen they were holding. Even her office seemed different. Obviously, the furniture was still all the same, but some minor details had changed. The picture-frames on her desk. That mug that said 'H4' in the style of a scrabble tile. It was a present from her brother. The way her instruments were laid out. Gail had learned from her numerous visits to the lab that Holly was very particular about that, witnessing more than once the dressing-down she gave her interns for messing with her system.

Suddenly she startled herself by loudly releasing the breath she didn't even realize she was holding. The other woman was pulled out of focus as well, looking up at Gail.

"Officer. Can I help you with anything?"

"Uhm... What?" Gail was thunderstruck. She didn't know what to say.

"I said, can I help you?"

"No. Sorry. Wrong... Wrong office." Gail turned around and walked back down the corridor. She was seriously confused. For a moment she thought she might be losing her mind. That _was_ Holly's office, wasn't it? Yes, she was sure it was. But where was Holly? She glanced into the open offices she passed, she looked at each of the nameplates, searching for Holly's name.

Finally, she saw a familiar face through one of the open doors. She knew who he was, and she knew that he knew who she was, but they had never actually maintained any kind of proper conversation, apart from some work-related exchanges.

"Javier? You are... Javier, right?" Her voice was drowning out her cautious knock.

"Gail?!" The expression on his face was one of genuine surprise and shock, but there was also some anger and pity in the way he looked at her.

"Yeah. Listen, I... I'm looking for Holly? Has she moved office or something? Because I just went down to her office and there was someone else in there." As she spoke, hearing her own voice, she realized that, with every word, a little more of the panic that was building up inside her transpired.

He slowly shook his head and gave her a sympathetic look.

"Holly... She is gone. I'm sorry."

"What do you mean, she's gone?"

"She left town... for another job."

"What? Are you kidding me? She just left?!"

She could feel it in her whole body, starting in her hands and feet, traveling up to her torso, suffusing her center, her stomach, her chest, creeping up her neck to her head. The numbing heat that was engulfing her, hope and doubt and disbelief being inundated with realization, despair and anguish, and pain.

"She didn't _just_ leave, Gail. I believe she has tried to contact you, hasn't she?" He could see her suffering, see her heart breaking in front of him. Still, he couldn't suppress the reproachful undertone in his voice.

"Well, she... I... I have to go."

She turned on her heels and shuffled to the elevator. She got off on the ground floor and emerged into the beautiful day. It was one of those first really warm spring days. _At the beginning of May. Talk about global warming..._ The sun was just getting ready to set, dipping the city in a bright orange. She loved days like these. She loved the change of seasons. She always said she could never live in a place where it was summer all year around. She loved the warm months of summer, when you could sit outside until late, barbecue, have a few beers, stare into the night sky. She loved the colors of the leaves in fall. The thousand different shades of orange and red that seemed to come into existence only at that time and then vanish. She loved the first snow. She loved the way it would crunch under your feet. She loved the clean, crisp air on a sunny winter day. And she loved those first warm days of spring. Those days after what seemed like a year of winter, when you were really able to appreciate the warmth, when you savored each warm day as something special. She loved the sight of the blossoming plants, waking up, coming to life. Not today though. It could be raining cats and dogs for all she cared. What did it matter now? She walked to her apartment, the world silent, as if she had hit the mute button. It was only her and her thoughts.

She was gone. She had really left. She really was too late. She said she wasn't going anywhere. But really, who could blame her? _You did everything in your power to push her away, and you finally succeeded. How long did you expect her to wait for something you gave her no hope would ever happen? _

She slowly turned the key in the door, hoping that the boys would be out. The apartment was dark. She maneuvered through the dark corridor and entered her room, sat down on the floor, leaning against her bed. She took out the envelope and ran her finger over the letters of her name. She realized she was breathing heavily and shaking, from the anticipation, the fear of what she was going to read. She opened the envelope, containing a letter that was dated to the 6th of April.

...

_Gail,_

_I don't really know why I'm writing this letter, why some part of me thinks it might actually change anything. You have made it pretty clear that you have no interest in seeing me or listening to what I have to say. And you have continuously made me believe in the past few weeks and months that you don't want me in your life. Not the way I want to be in it at least. So. Maybe... Probably this is me being absolutely pathetic. Maybe I should have just gotten the message and leave you be. _

_However, I can't. No matter how much you're trying to push me away, there is something even stronger than your military standard defense system you've put up around you that is pulling me towards you. I don't like it. It makes me act like a needy fool, it makes me expose myself, it makes me weak and defenseless. But I can't help it. I guess my twisted self just still thinks it's worth it to take I don't know how many hits if it means that maybe, just maybe, at some point you will run out of ammo and I will manage to break through... _

_I was offered a position as a guest professor at UBC. I would be filling in last minute for a Professor on Sabbatical for six months. It seems like a great opportunity, I would be teaching, and would have access to incredible research funds. I could work with some of the best scientists in the field and be a part of really interesting (if you're a nerd like me, that is) research projects. But. It's Vancouver. It's six months. It starts next week and they need my answer tomorrow._

_I don't even know why I think you would care about it. You probably wouldn't even notice that I was gone. But I would. I would notice. And I don't want to leave you. I never wanted to leave you. I really meant it. But to be honest, I can't really see a reason to stay anymore. The more time goes by, the more I start to believe that all those hurtful things you said were actually true. If they weren't, if they aren't, just give me something. Anything._

_I would really love to have a reason to stay. _

_xx – Holly_

...

_Yes, and I can't fight your demons, cause I'd have to fight you. _

_Yeah, they're so far inside you, and I just can't seem to get through. _

_It ain't none of my business, it ain't none of my place. _

_Yeah, but I still had to try._


End file.
